thx

If this guy had a time machine, he would have thx in his signature line.  His name would also be J$.

I admit I’m a horrible texter, and I’ll get into my T9 deficiencies another time (something to look forward to!!!!), but while I understand the reason to shorten words if you’re texting, why do so in a work email?


Some individuals where I work have “Thx” in their signature line. Seriously dude, you created a signature to go out with every email you write, every WORK email, and you decided the extra two seconds it was going to take you to write Thank You or Thanks instead of Thx was worth the loss in professionalism? I mean it’s a signature so you only have to write it one time and then it is always there. It’s even better when it’s not capitalized “thx”…yep, good call on saving the time it would have taken to capitalize that T.

I decided that when I get an email from those individuals, I am going to write back in back. Something like:

Dear Work Guy:

Wtf? “thx”, really? Ur email was so gr8t, but iwill get 2that wrk l8r, maybe 2moro, b/c I’z buzay doing notha!!

thx (lmao!!!),
Nadia

It’s going really well so far; they don’t email me anymore.

Update: Completely true and fantastic timing! I was just informed that my friend received a work email from someone (for the sake of protecting his privacy let’s say his first name is “John”) and his last name is Money. You will never guess… okay I’ll tell you. He signs his work emails J$. Awesome. J$, you just made my day. And congratulations!! You just won the first DB award on my blog!!! Your congratulatory e-mail is on its way.


Signed,

-N$ (Okay, so it doesn’t work as well, but I'm still going for it)

*Cough-cough, Achoo!*

I used to think that I didn’t have an immune system, because I got sick so much. Where my immune system is supposed to be (I picture it sort of where my lungs are), there is just a big yellow sponge that soaks up any germs within a 20-mile radius. This might be where my fondness for Spongebob Squarepants started…although I think that more stems from how I can’t help but smile at how freakin’ HAPPY he is! Say what you want, that sponge loves life.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, I’m sick today. Again. There is a causal reaction to my state of health. If I look at someone who is sick or hear a sneeze, I’m officially sick.

The ironic thing is when I found out I have Crohn’s, they told me that my immune system is actually too strong. My immune system thinks there is bad stuff in my immune system (which there really isn’t0 so it builds up these antibodies or something (And yes-“things” and “stuff” are the technical terms for this), and attacks my own immune system (I picture little sponges fighting with those plastic swords made for drinks).

So I was on a lot of different meds when I was first diagnosed to get the inflammation under control and to disarm the mini-sponges, but now that I am in a “remission”, I am on some long-term medication to hopefully limit the amount of “flare-ups” I have and decrease my risk for surgery. I’m currently on Azathioprine (It sounds more exciting than it is). Since Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis are auto-immune diseases, this drug is supposed to sort of kill off the extra cells my body has because it thinks it’s fighting something that doesn’t really exist.

If I lost you there…don’t worry about, I lost myself too, just go with it. So unfortunately one of the side-effects of this drug is that it actually lowers your immune system so you are more susceptible to being sick. Oh irony I hear you calling my name!!!

Obviously this alone isn’t going to get me sick and I should be doing everything within my control to otherwise be healthy, right? Exercise (check!), Eat healthy (Ch…errrrr, sometimes?), Don’t drink alcohol (No comment), Take vitamins….

Seriously, whoever invented gummy vitamins is a genius and I would love to give him/her a big gummy hug. I am great at taking gummy vitamins and get about 3000% of my daily vitamin C and D requirements. I do also attempt to take an “adult” vitamin, a Women’s Once-a-Day. And by attempt, I mean I bought a bottle. I have every intention of taking it daily to stay healthy and prevent getting sick…but man is it gross. It is approximately the size of a small dinner plate and tastes like a combination of chalk, spit, and baby dinosaur eggs, or so I imagine.

It also has the ability to make me sick. I think you’re not supposed to take them on an empty stomach?? I don’t know. That seems to make me sick more often, but here is what I imagine the big sponge thinking: “la la la, I’m a big sponge, I’m having fun doing nothing, minding my own business, oh…what’s this? It looks like a giant piece of chalk coming towards me! It looks pretty bad, but maybe I could use it as a small dinner plate. Well, maybe it tastes better than it looks. Nom, nom, nom…oh, wtf!? This is disgusting! Ugh…get away from me!”

This is where I throw up.

Then I wonder if any of the vitamins got absorbed during that time…. So maybe I’m at like 2% at my limit for the day instead of 100%. Good job Sponge!

I also think it’s funny (and by funny I mean desperate and irrational) how I desperately take a vitamin or AirBorneä either when something is really important or I’m already sick. Yeah, that vitamin really made a difference now. I decided I wanted to be REALLY healthy the morning of my marathon, so I scarfed down half a banana and took a vitamin at 6:15am. Oh yeah, I puked that up approximately 3 minutes later and then felt like barf all day. Looking back, I guess it was sort of a backfire.

I had the same misguided and inconsistent approach during my school years. In law school, there is generally only one exam at the end of the semester and that is your entire grade for the semester. Finals were coming and I was freaking out (which is putting it mildly-I completely lost my mind and started writing haikus about anything and everyone I knew until 4am one night instead of studying). Well my helpful mom told me that blueberries make me smarter. I don’t really like blueberries, but I went to the supermarket and bought a big container. I ate those things up! I don’t think it really made a difference, but at least I didn’t puke them up. I maybe did write some smarter haikus.

Beep-Beep; Hot Pan!

It is official. I can’t be around hot things. I tried to iron the other day and burned my hand. Not severely, but enough. Apparently there are adult things, such as being around items that are potentially hot, that are not in my repertoire. Although this leads to me what I already knew was true… I should not be ironing or really doing any type of domestic activity. It’s just not natural for me. Therefore, this is not an excuse for being a poor cook and having an extremely messy apartment (I’m talking like teenage girl messy), but more of just a natural defect, that can’t be helped.




Oh, I feel so much better getting that off my chest. So, who’s ironing for me?

26.2 & Fundraising Event!

Update...I finished my FIRST marathon last Sunday, October 3.  I've been trying to write a post...but I've realized it's just going to be a lot bitching.

Having said that, I'm probably going to do it anyway.

Something much more f-u-n for you...is the announcement of my first fundraising event.  Come to AJ Bombers, on Water Street, on Friday, November 5 from 5-pm where I will be Guest Bartending!!  All TIPS go to benefit the CCFA, so bring some cash and tip generously!

Oh What to Wear

Apparently hippos aren’t supposed to run. I have been on a frenzied quest for running clothes that are comfortable and fit. And it turns out, the clothing manufacturers are passive-aggressively trying to tell me not to run. I guess my body is so disfigured and malformed, that there is nothing that can be done short of running in a big garbage bag. I guess I should have been more specific. I would like clothes that are comfortable, breathable, and make me go really really fast.


Some surprising facts I learned while shopping last night for clothes to wear for my marathon, which is in FOUR days (let’s leave the you shouldn’t buy new clothes the day before your marathon lecture for another time).

• I wear a small in soccer shorts and a medium in running shorts….hmmmm (soccer legs?)
• Clothes that look awesome and like they would fit on a rack probably would look awesome and fit…on a small child
• Runners are not supposed to have a chest
• I am somewhere between small, medium, and whale-like
• Why do they make everything fit so darn tight?? Are runners somehow miraculously in shape when they buy running clothes?  I thought the point was to buy running clothes to GET in shape. Okay, that wasn’t a fact more of a question
• I’m not entirely sure why runner shorts have to be so short that they just show off my tan line from my normal sized shorts. Hey, in case you already weren’t looking at my thighs….let’s draw more attention to them because they are WHITE
• This one might come as a surprise….shopping for running clothes is not a pleasant experience for me

In case you were wondering the outcome of these shopping trips. I now have a pair of shorts that I’m pretty sure are too small, and no shirt. So all in all, a success!

Update: It’s now 2 days before the marathon and I’m at the same level of progress. Maybe if I wear really long socks, no one will notice I’m not wearing a shirt.

Why Crohn’s Disease and my cooking abilities don’t mix

By: Chef Nadia

To be fair, my cooking abilities and anything except possibly food poisoning don’t mix well. I am a very bad cook. Not just kind of bad, but really bad. The kind of bad where there is no room for improvement because there is no potential.

But my brain and short-term memory don’t seem to comprehend this. And after every failed episode when I tell myself “Well, I won’t make that mistake again.” Cut to many weeks later. I’m watching an episode of Top Chef, I somehow forget this and think “I bet I can cook like that too!” And I think it doesn’t really look that hard. Which to be honest, is really tv’s fault. Why would they edit the show to make it look so easy and quick? Doesn’t seem like I’m to blame at all. Stupid tv liars.

So after watching the Top Chef Finale (yes, a little late but why I love my DVR), I thought I would make my specialty. Now I’m sure you’ve heard from many sources that I make a mean macaroni and cheese straight from the Kraft box. And while that is correct, sometimes I make something with more than two ingredients. Ooooh. What could this fantastic (and ethnic) cuisine be? That’s right…tacos!!!

Well, now that you have been sufficiently impressed, let’s get down to the details. I defrosted some ground turkey, found a bag of taco seasoning (with 30% less sodium), and browned the meat! I did better than the last time because I normally forget that with turkey meat, it’s too dry to create its own grease, so you have to spray the bottom of the pan. But I didn’t forget! So I didn’t burn the meat and pan immediately! Powered by my newly-developed cooking confidence of not completely messing up in the first 30 seconds, I decided to skip the step of seeing if I had the other ingredients.

I ended up just making taco meat.

No shells, no taco sauce, no extra condiments or sides. I sometimes have a hard time with complicated tasks like going to the grocery store. But still, it was still pretty good. I cut some cheese (that was probably still good) and smothered my fantastically made taco meat with lettuce (my favorite). After a couple plates of taco meat, I felt like the Top Chef of my apartment. I basically strutted around saying “Nadia, you ARE Top Chef!” Big pat on the back.

Also, this was at about 11pm after I had gotten back from my run and showered (see previous post about my inability to get in my run at a normal hour). After another hour or so of reading and calming down (and reflecting on my new found skill set), I laid down in bed feeling pretty darn content. One minute later I realized my Crohn’s did not like my taco meat.

I spent the next 35 minutes hating my life in my favorite my place in the world-the bathroom. I hate you taco meat! I hate you 30% less sodium seasoning—maybe that 30% sodium would have saved me! I hate you bad cheese that looked ok! I hate you Top Chef for inspiring me to be stupid enough to think I could cook! I hate you Crohn’s disease for making me hate everything!

It went on like that for awhile….until my stomach calmed down enough to know to keep quiet.

Needless to say, I felt like I should final put something in writing about what exactly makes it a bad crohn’s day. Now you know- I bet you wish you didn’t.

Update: I really have no excuse for why I ate the leftover taco meat the next day except for maybe my laziness and thinking that this time, the exact same situation would yield a different result….

Marathon Weather

Weather.com is f*cking with me. This is the weather it says MIGHT be happening on Sunday, October 3, the day I’m running (maybe crawling) the Milwaukee Lakefront Marathon. A possible low of 27 degrees and a possible high of 86? THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE FANTASTIC AND VERY HELPFUL GUIDANCE. Stupid Wisconsin weather…..Guess I’m going to have to wear a swimsuit, followed by many layers, ending in snow-pants. Going to be a great run.

Okay, it is sort of lost in translation, but this is a cut and paste.
 
AVERAGES
Hi 66°F
Lo 48°F

RECORDS
Hi 86°F
Lo 27°F

I'd rather be running...

Life gets in the way of my running. Let's be honest. Work sucks. I sit on my butt all day thinking about how non-productive my body is being. We’ve all thought that at some point or not. And if you haven’t, please email me and subsequently hire me immediately.  And really, isn't work being a little selfish saying that just because they pay me, they expect me to work?  Knowing that I COULD be working out during that time. uh-huh. I agree. 

So needless to say, a frustration of mine has been finding the time and motivation during the day to get my run in.

I WISH I was a morning person. And I am....after I have sufficiently woken up either with a shower and/or some type of caffeine and about 2 hours....which pretty much means the morning is gone. So basically after I am ready for work and on my 30 seconds to 1 minute walk to my car... I think, wow, it would be great to go for a run right now. Especially on those mornings when the air is crisp, the sun is just starting to come out (and, lets face it, it sounds a lot more appealing than what’s waiting for you in the office). But no...I most definitely hit snooze at my 5:00am alarm and laughed at my optimistic me the night before who set the alarm envisioning a run, yoga, and ab workout all before getting ready. Oh silly optimistic Nadia, so naive.

On to the next opportunity!

Next is the mid-day workout. Now this is something I am actual partial to, it is just a matter if you can operationally pull this off. First, you have to have the time. Second, you need a gym, trail, or some sort of workout place geographically nearby. The closer, the better (see point one). And finally, after you get in a nice quick workout...you’re pretty much going to smell really bad and probably be sweating. This leads to some sort of clean-up area, so even a trail isn’t sufficient. And trying to clean yourself in work bathrooms gets a lot of weird looks (so I’ve been told). It is also hard to come down after an intense lunchtime workout. My body has the inability to stop sweating. I also tend to stay red for the rest of the afternoon, which minimizes my clean-up time since attempting to put on make-up is an effort in futility.

I used to lift over the lunch hour and run after work and that was fantastic, but then you have two get-ready/clean-up transitions (again, point one of limited time).

So, like me, you probably didn’t have the time/facility/opportunity to workout during the day...moving on.

I break up after-work runs into two kinds. Those immediately following work, and the late-evening workouts. Immediately after work is pretty much a horrible idea at a lot of gyms unless you want to watch other people workout. Also, since I’m basically revved up and raring to run at either 10:00am or 2:00pm.... I’m pretty much half-asleep and drooling at my desk come 4pm (j/k work if you’re reading this). Okay, but I’m not kidding.

If I can get my workout in immediately after work, I’m pretty darn proud of myself. A more likely occurrence: I am tired, crabby, and hungry so I end up going home, eating a “snack”....which turns into a 5-course meal...then I sit there and feel guilty and get mad at myself. Then I have to “wait for my food to digest”, which usually means napping, watching tv, messing around on the computer, maybe a bit more snacking (to aid the digestion)..all around general laziness. And now it’s really late. Oh shoot, I was going to go to bed at 10pm (after my workout, preparation of healthy meal, and a decent portion of War and Peace comprehended-maybe work on my about to be published article regarding same).....but anyway, now it’s 10:30 and I haven’t run yet.

Now is when I get motivated! (Way to go body-it only took you over 16 hours to get motivated to run 3 miles!). *run* This run might feel good because I finally got to it...or it might feel kind of crappy since I have a bunch of food sitting in my gut (hint-it’s often the latter). Back from my run lets say around 11:30...sit around some more (snack, because I was obviously waiting to workout to eat), shower...and have started to come down from the excitement of achieving my very modest goal by midnight.

So overall, a pretty typical successful running day!

Time for bed to start the process all over again the next day....sweet dreams.

How to Almost Die While Running a Half Marathon

This past weekend (again, update-2 weekends ago-the 90 degrees and sunny day) I ran a Half Marathon, and I almost died. Yes, died! Running can be fatal. Here is the play-by-play:

First, I had a coffee. Now I have never had coffee before a run. I see other people do it and I think it looks cool, but I normally stick with water and get my caffeine through other mediums. So why, on the morning of a half marathon, would I decide to completely change my schedule? Great question!! I don’t know! It probably has something to do, in part, with my inability to think before 10:30am (see previous post on burning myself with hot water while attempting to complete the complicated task of making tea).

Second, I ate part of a muffin. This one wasn’t entirely my fault. I wanted a banana, but there was only one old green/weird looking banana. I think it had E.Coli or something. So I really am blaming the banana on this one.

Third, I was not mentally prepared for the run. I wasn’t feeling great that morning and drove there and signed up for the race approximately 2 minutes before the start time. As I was filling out the form, the woman was nice enough to say: “Wow, you’re really cutting it close.” Yeah, thanks lady…I am aware of that-now fill out my card! I then watched a 134 year old man write my information down on my bib…and I know he was that old because someone dead could have written it down faster. The great part about it is that no one took my bib at the end of the race, so there was absolutely no need to write down my name and age unless, of course, they were anticipating me dying on the course and wanting to identify me. Which, ironically, did almost happen.

So after I finally got my race bib, I safety-pinned it to my shirt while walking to the start. I managed to do this off-center and crooked, so I looked pretty darn impressive I’m sure.

Fourth, I was also smart enough to not check the weather for embarking on my run. I thought “well, it’s only 13 miles, I’ll be done so quick it won’t matter what I’m wearing.” Um, yeah…it really does. And 13 miles is a lot when you’re wearing a t-shirt that feels like it is suffocating you from the inside.

Right about at the halfway point, and I think 58 minutes, I took a shot block (energy bite thingy), which was supposed to give me all this energy for the second half. For the entire rest of the race, my stomach kept teasing me that my tropical punch shot block might be coming back up for a visit. I was anticipating picking up the pace the second half and coasting in…yet it felt like a struggle.

When I saw the 10-mile marker, I was happy with only 3 miles left. I now imagine those 3 miles like the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz…it’s some sort of optical illusion where you think you’re getting closer to the finish line, but you’re really just on a treadmill and not going anywhere.

Honestly my motivation for picking it up came when a chick wearing all neon pink tried to pass me. “Oh no you didn’t!” I am not getting passed by a girl in pink shoes, pink shorts, and a pink shirt. And yes, it was a nice tank-top that probably allowed her to breathe, but regardless, you aren’t passing me!

So I made it to the finish line for my “sprint” finish…which felt like a sprint, but I imagine looked to spectators like a rhino storming the mud pool. People were cheering at the finish line, but I was focusing all my energy onto not passing out or puking in front of them so I couldn’t look around.

Immediately after I crossed the finish line, I got really dizzy. I tried to drink some lukewarm water and Gatorade, but it was hard to force it down. I walked to my car to get my bag and phone and then walked back to eat some oranges, etc. I took one bite of a pretzel and almost threw up in front of everyone. I went and “hung out” in the grass for awhile pretending to contemplate the Lake, but I was really just contemplating whether I was going to give the people a nice show and story for them to tell their friends by puking all over the wildflowers.

This is how I imagine that conversation went:

Participant: I saw this girl puking so hard at the end of the race!
Friend: Oh awesome! I bet that was hilarious!
Participant: It was really funny, she got some puke on the grass, flowers, and on this thick t-shirt she was wearing.
Friend: Why was she wearing a t-shirt, it was 90 degrees out?
Participant: I don’t know, but it was probably related to why she had a burn on her hand. I don’t think she’s that bright.
Friend: Well she must have been really fast to get sick. What place did she get?  Was she wearing a freakin' huge medal around her neck with a big #1?!?
Participant: I don’t know…I had been done for like 30 minutes, so I wasn’t really keeping track.
Friend: Oh….that’s pretty sad.
Participant: Yeah, but funny too. I can’t wait to tell everyone else! Also I took this picture and video on my phone-lets put this on Youtube and send it to everyone we know!!

Now is when you leave this post to go on Youtube and search for "weird woman who puked on wildflowers in Wisconsin wearing inappropriate clothes"....

I don't think anyone did film so I hope you got some good results from that search!

Then I ran into my “running buddy”, who is this awesome women who finished in 1:51 and got second place in her division. She rocks. I said I wasn’t feeling that well and thought I might be dehydrated. That’s when they said “Oh my….you aren’t sweating.”

Now I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure after running 13.1 miles in 90 degree heat with no freakin’ breeze, you should be sweating. You know that feeling where you’re not feeling so great but you are kind of in denial and then someone goes “Oh, you don’t look so good”, and then you feel waaay worse because your brain is like: “I told you. You are sick!”. Well, that’s kind of how I felt. Picture sad face here….

So, in conclusion,…I pretty much almost died. But I didn’t! (Hence this post exists). And I live to run another day!!

Burn Victim

My middle name should be Grace.  Maybe I will have it legally changed.  I was trying to make myself some tea about 5 days ago (since I am sort of delayed on publishing this-the good update is that this was a couple of weeks ago and my hand has not been amputated) and managed to pour the boiling hot water onto my hand (I guess my hand was jealous of my mug—no! give me some hot water too!)  Well, stupid left hand…you got what you asked for.  Are you happy now?  I didn’t think so.  Ooooh, and now you’re going to be all: “owwwww, I’m in pain and I’m burning.”  Yeah, well you should have that of that before you were half asleep and asked me to pour hot water on you.