Yes,, I'm a woman

I saw someone post this on facebook:

 “Yes, I'm a woman. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it's really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don't care about me. I try to do things before the microwave beeps. I listen to you even when you don't listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I'm a woman! Re-post if you're proud to be one, come on ladies!.....and make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times...they can be color coordinated with any outfit.”

Apparently I’m not a woman.This post: a) made me want to throw up, b) insulted me, c) made me laugh, and d)  really REALLY tried my restraint to not re-post a new version.

That willpower is gone. Here is my version of that post.

Good try little girl, you got some of them in the right order! Now give up on education and just learn to microwave things and have babies.

"Yes, I'm a woman. When a sign says Push, I push it because I can READ. I laugh at funny shit like most men and women with a sense of humor do. When I walk into a room, I don't forget why because I do not yet have Alzheimer's (which is not a female only disease). Instead, I push over old people and yell "You've just been toughmuddered!" I don't count on my fingers in math because math was my favorite subject and saying that women are bad at math is a horrible stereotype that is crushing girls everywhere. I don't hide pain; I distribute pain.

Seriously, say it's a long story when it's not? I don't even get this one.

I have the inability to cry, I think it's because I'm part robot and it would rust my parts. I don't try and do things before the microwave beeps because I can't cook (and if you're keeping track at home, that's also a stereotype). I don't listen; I pretend to listen to you while I'm really doing math algorithms in my head. Okay, a hug does usually help unless the you're just trying to get a feel, in which case I will SLAP you. I also agree with this one: make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times. You need to be ready to fight at any moment. However, I don't think a criminal is really going to care or stop trying to mug and/or rape you if your knife coordinates with your outfit. I'd get a red one...it matches the blood I will draw if you try anything."

Yes, I'm a woman!

This was the closest picture I could find to a guy kicking a guy in the groin. Aim a little lower ladies.