Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Yes,, I'm a woman

I saw someone post this on facebook:

 Yes, I'm a woman. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it's really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don't care about me. I try to do things before the microwave beeps. I listen to you even when you don't listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I'm a woman! Re-post if you're proud to be one, come on ladies!.....and make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times...they can be color coordinated with any outfit.”

Apparently I’m not a woman.This post: a) made me want to throw up, b) insulted me, c) made me laugh, and d)  really REALLY tried my restraint to not re-post a new version.
That willpower is gone. Here is my version of that post.
Good try little girl, you got some of them in the right order! Now give up on education and just learn to microwave things and have babies.

"Yes, I'm a woman. When a sign says Push, I push it because I can READ. I laugh at funny shit like most men and women with a sense of humor do. When I walk into a room, I don't forget why because I do not yet have Alzheimer's (which is not a female only disease). Instead, I push over old people and yell "You've just been toughmuddered!" I don't count on my fingers in math because math was my favorite subject and saying that women are bad at math is a horrible stereotype that is crushing girls everywhere. I don't hide pain; I distribute pain.
Seriously, say it's a long story when it's not? I don't even get this one.
I have the inability to cry, I think it's because I'm part robot and it would rust my parts. I don't try and do things before the microwave beeps because I can't cook (and if you're keeping track at home, that's also a stereotype). I don't listen; I pretend to listen to you while I'm really doing math algorithms in my head. Okay, a hug does usually help unless the you're just trying to get a feel, in which case I will SLAP you. I also agree with this one: make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times. You need to be ready to fight at any moment. However, I don't think a criminal is really going to care or stop trying to mug and/or rape you if your knife coordinates with your outfit. I'd get a red one...it matches the blood I will draw if you try anything."
Yes, I'm a woman!
This was the closest picture I could find to a guy kicking a guy in the groin. Aim a little lower ladies.

Friday, September 30, 2011

So you say I'm being melodramatic? Also, I'm not dead

I maybe should have posted this earlier to wane some of the concern from my multitude of followers (hi you 10!-oooh eleven, looks like somebody just hit the big time!). Luckily no one put out a missing person on me and the world seems to have kept on turning. I appreciate you being strong during your time of possible grieving.

I know some of my dear friends were concerned for my life following my last post.  Some people may say my post about the Tough Mudder was a bit dramatic. Those same people may also say I'm dramatic about other things in my life. And to those people...I would say you're absolutely 100% correct.  I say drama is funny and it lets me vent. Plus if I don't die, you also get the enjoyment of watching me freak out. It's a win-win. On the other hand, if I do die, at least I went out with a bang! (And I gave you a heads up).

On a side note, I didn't die in Tough Mudder. In fact, I had a pretty good time and some might say...I dominated it. And by dominating, I mean finishing. I was a bit taken aback when I saw my pictures from Tough Mudder and I realized I was smiling in all of them. I was seriously unaware my face was doing that and it makes me question....everything.

Here is some proof. 'Cause you know I don't lie.
This was me getting out of a freezing cold carcinogenic ice bath. It was blue.

10,000 volts of electricity were in some of the wires; I was shocked. What is wrong with me? Masochist? Probably.
I am doing a 10-mile run that thousands of other people are doing and aren't complaining about? That would be correct.

I'm flying on a plane for a 2 hour flight which an average of TWO MILLION people do DAILY seemingly without handing out living wills to everyone they meet and I'm writing my gravestone? Correct.

This is how my week before a trip looks:
Monday: Lunch with friend-let them know they can have my tv and tv stand if I die. Friend says tv and tv stand suck. I say I hate you and you're no longer invited to my funeral (side note: tv and tv stand are in fact crap).
Tuesday: Do laundry and attempt to frantically clean because when my parents and the local TV crew come to collect my stuff, I don't want all my embarrassing stuff out.
Wednesday: Send out emails to everyone telling them how much they have meant to me and how much I love them. Drink many glasses of wine.
Thursday: Attempt to drink myself into oblivion so that I won't be conscious (or at least be hungover) when the time comes. "Oh thank God I'm plummeting to my death, finally this headache will end."
Friday: Frantically tweet, facebook update, and document the remaining moments of my life. In case I die, I want my last words on earth to be: "Look at me holding this lobster pen!" In your face Caesar.

...2 hour flight later we land safely. What? I wasn't even worried. *Rescind emotional emails.*

I am impressed with people who can do what I would call "normal/everyday" things and not act like the world is going to end. One, it's probably less burdensome to those around them, and two, they probably have lower blood pressure.

Here is an allegedly true story from my recent flight home (I was technicaly there but don't remember it so I can neither confirm nor deny these clearly fabricated facts).

I may have had a "mixed cocktail" to help ease the anxiety. Side note: there are a lot of slang words for cocaine. I mean a lot. I was trying to find the word that means you mix alcohol and prescription drugs, Recipe? I did have a legit prescription. Oh this is getting bad. Don't try this at home kids. I'm probably getting on a lot of federal governments lists due to my research for this post. But I know how my readers rely on my due diligence.

Back to the plane ride. If you've seen Bridesmaids when Kristin Wiig gets a little loosey on the plane, I guess I was like that. Apparently I was being too "loud and obnoxious" for my travel buddy. Let's give me a generic everyday alias like "Bob". Are you going to tell me trying to clamp someone's nipples with a lobster pen is obnoxious? I don't think so. That's pure comedy.

So if you know me at all, when someone tells me to quiet down...I do exactly the opposite. So I allegedly got louder and then noticed the man across the seat looking at us. In order to ease the tension of this volatile situation, I alllegedly told this gentleman that everything is okay, Bob is just on his period. Then I passed out.

Who is the fun one to fly with? It's me! It's me!

So in conclusion, yes, I can be dramatic. I can also be shy and very quiet. But I really enjoy letting the dramatic part out sometimes, and it's actually much easier in print than in person. LOOK! I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND USING EXCLAMATION MARKS! Okay, sorry, that's really annoying. If you write in all caps.......stop it. STOP IT NOW!

I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, I can be dramatic. I wanted to be an actress when I was a kid but my mom told me that all actresses were whores. It turns out she's right, but then again I know a lot of whores who aren't doing what they love and getting paid boat loads of money for it, so pros and cons I guess.

For now, I'll just stick to dramatic blogging and wait to see what the future will bring.

*And scene*

Friday, July 22, 2011

Tough Mudder

Tomorrow might just be the day I die.

I'm not flying anywhere (I wish), but I might die a voluntarily/ I paid-for-it torturous death. Tomorrow, at Devil's Head Resort, Wisconsin, I will be participating in the Wisconsin Tough Mudder.

What is Tough Mudder? It was a stupid malicious idea spurred from the mind of some British special forces. It's around a 10 mile (but they don't tell you the exact length) obstacle course. With the word "mud" in the title, I pictured a fun mud run where you have to crawl through a few mud pits, climb over a couple of logs and call yourself hard core. Nope, these f*ckers are serious. This involves really steep climbs, crawling through small pipes and sand, running through fire and even electricity!

10 miles, 28 military obstacles. Twenty-freakin' eight. Really? Why stop there? Make it an even 30. Maybe the last two are when my lungs both burst.

If you live in the Midwest, you may have noticed this thing they call a "heatwave" that has been bringing me, and my non-air conditioned apartment to enjoy what I like to call "the worst f*cking week of my life." When people say, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, they're right. The humidity is much worse, however, in this case it's the heat and the damn humidity!

Now you want me to run an impossible death run tomorrow? No thanks. They were nice enough to send us an email this past week letting us know that there is a heat advisory so we should "be well hydrated". Guess what TM-there's only so many liquids I can drink that are going to help me get over a series of 12 foot high Berlin walls. A series? Overrated-I want a "sery", or none at all for that matter. I'm 5'4, how am I going to physically get myself over a 12 foot wall?

My training didn't go quite as planned. I haven't lost 30 pounds, gained 10 pounds of upper body muscle, nor earned the right to complete the Tough Mudder without a baggy t-shirt on. Instead, my plan was to hide the "extra love" in a sweatshirt and snowpants. While I do think this will confuse people as to my actual weight, I am slightly concerned with the effect on my performance. Although the effect will probably be minimal because there's no getting around the fact that no matter what I'm wearing, the result will be: "Oh my god, this is so horrible, I want to die..." On a more positive note, I have decided to do this while wearing my Team Challenge singlet! Since I've pretty much lived in that thing lately, I figured I may as well go out the same way.

Which brings me back to my original point, I might die. I have already started to think out and picture the numerous ways I could kick-the-bucket while doing this race. 1.) Heat exhaustion, 2.) falling off a freakin' 12 foot Berlin wall, 3.) drowning, 4.) Getting SHOCKED by 10,000 volts!! Oh yeah, that's going to happen.

Below is the course map of the run. I get tired just looking at the pictures. Okay, I couldn't download the most up-to-date obstacles, but a lot of these, including the route, are the same.

Listed in no particular order, here are the obstacles I am most afraid of and/or preparing to epically fail at:

1.) Death March-okay, I'm not really scared of this. I'm sure it will suck and I will be tired, but I damn well better make it up that ski mountain. I just had to include it because it's called Death March! Oh the college memories...

2.) Greased up monkey bars. I can't even do these when they're not all buttered up so I'll be for sure wiping it on this one.

3.) Crawling under 8 inches of barbed wire. My womanly curves ain't fitting in 8 inches, so we'll see what happens there. Can't wait...

4.) The 2 different series of Berlin Walls.

5.) Ball Shrinker. What the hell is that thing anyway? I think it made my balls shrink right off just thinking about it.

6.) The half pike. I can just picture me gaining momentum, sprinting towards the top of the half pike, only to slip or be too weak and fall rolling back in front of all the people watching.

7.) 10,000 volts. Now that can't be good for my uterus.

8.) The "mystery obstacle"-at what looks like around mile 8 or 9. "Expect Something Truly Bad Ass"-TM says. My only guess is that at this point they stab you in the stomach and you try to make it to the finish line before you bleed out.

Here's to life, and getting muddy!

Tough Mudder's version of Walk the Plank

My version of what walking the plank is (drawn to my scale).
 Update: I have now received another email and text message from TM. The good news is they once again stressed that I should hydrate as it will be very hot. Well, I was going to ignore the first email but now that you sent it again, I think I'll have a glass of water. Shoot, that glass of water didn't help me develop 5 months worth of upper-body strength training.

The other point of topic is that there is a "high chance of lighting". Awesome. I wanted to bring my plastic sword from when we were pirates in the Ragnar Relay to fight off the lighting, but people are telling me that's a bad idea.
So instead I will add it to the list: 9.) Get hit by lighting.

Bring it Tough Mudder.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

(P)oops, I did it again

I'm raising money and running the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in Las Vegas on Decmeber 4, 2011 for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) again! Because when I think of charity, I think of Las Vegas.

My goal is to double what I raised last year! So do yourself a favor and just donate already. It will give you warm fuzzies in your heart (the good kind, not the kind where you have to go to a doctor). http://www.donate4nadia.com/ And if you don't donate, I will hunt you down and beat you up and take your lunch money.

If you want to be inspired, here is the national video where they recap the Las Vegas and Napa half marathons. Somehow my extreme enthusiasm made the video, perhaps because IT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. Look for my national debut at the 44 second mark, and then cheering with Team Wisconsin at 1:14 and 1:53.

So try and stay calm for a few minutes while you go to my fundraising page and donate...then after that, by all means.....GO FREAKIN' CRAZY! It is Vegas after all!

As a special incentive and to kick things off there is a special prize for the top contributor in the first week.  Whoever (or whomever) donates the highest cumulative amount in the first week will get a home cooked meal prepared by me!  To let you know exactly the caliber we're talking here is a small sampling (okay it's pretty much an exhausive list) of some meals I have prepared.

Nadia's menu: Macaroni and cheese. Yes, from the box, specialty (when in season-Spongebob and Cars), tacos, spaghettic, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, probably almost any sandwich you want actually, vegetables (made in a microwave!), and many more (...not really). I will also accept requests, but I make absoltely no guarantees as to the accuracy or quality of what you ask for except the guarantee that it will  blow your mind!

*Drinks also included, you lucky thing you!

I taste yummy and make you smart!
Warning: A chance of fire and/or getting burned is extremely likely. Try to wear clothes and hair product that is not easily flammable. If you bring a fire extinguisher, I will in no way be offended.

What are you waiting for? Go donate already!! http://www.donate4nadia.com/

Deadline is THIS FRIDAY!!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

National Poetry Month

As many of you know, April is National Poetry Month (please ignore the fact that technically it's May).

As an artist of not only the canvas (i.e. computer screen) but also the written word, I have decided to engage in some “festive poetry”. As some of you may remember from my law school finals breakdown, I tend to dabble in the art of haikuism. Hmm, apparently my spellcheck doesn’t think haikuism is a word. I guess the programmers have not mastered my same level of vocabulary. The “man” is always trying to confine me-not let my creativity reign. Case in point, my spellcheck also tells me dranks isn’t a word. How is that not a word? “Let’s go get some dranks!” There, I used it in a sentence.

Back to poetry. Some people like to write about landscapes-rushing water, streaming waterfalls… hang on, I have to run to the restroom. True story. Okay I’m back. I have a very small bladder. I’m not sure if this true as when I was getting an ultrasound during my pre-Crohn’s/what the f-is wrong with me stage, I was too embarrassed to ask the ultrasound tech about the size of my bladder. Now I really wish I had. I once told the spouse of one of my co-workers that I have a small bladder the second I met her. I was on my way to the bathroom and this seemed like a good ice breaker. Based on the look on her face and the fact that when I got back from the restroom everyone knew about my small bladder, I learned I’m not as good at cocktail parties as I originally thought.

Okay, really back to poetry. Some poets like to write about the agony in life-“oh this boy I liked didn’t pick me for dodgeball, MY LIFE IS OVER! Why does everyone hate me so much?!” Why so negative? Why so dramatic? Oh wait, that does sound like me….only substitute that sentence for everything--well come on, negative can be funny. Also, it might have tipped you off that I like to write about the agony in life when my blog is called having a bad crohn’s day…I like to keep you guessing.

However, the art of the Haiku is right up my alley. Concise, simple, beautiful. Just the way I think the written word should be (please disregard all previous rambling posts).

This is me in my writing habitat. The beret helps the creativity flow.
Here is a small sampling of my Crohn’s related haikus-some of them are very deep and are on a lot of different levels, so get your expectations way up. It’s like Basho Matsuo-but more modern and about Crohn’s. Hope you like-you might notice a very mature theme. And Happy Poetry Month!

poop poop poop poop poop
this is poop haiku

Some festive poetry-get into that holiday spirit!

easter bunnies poop
a big golden egg o’ fun
for kids to open

Back to reality...

the people poop too
but kids should please beware
no prize for you there

This one is for my Crohnie's and my UC'ers!

how crohnies can poop
the inflamed small intestines
can cause quite a stir!

i wrote this today
cause having a bad crohn’s day
mustn’t be all bad

In all seriousness...

express yourself now
all the world can judge away
words can set you free

Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Country Farewell

Update: Once again, this is about three weeks old, but I am not going to edit it, so just transport yourself back in time….

These might just keep getting better and better, or worse and worse, depending on your perspective. Night two of limited sleep. Not sure what’s going on with me, I guess insomnia comes in cycles-I used to have problems sleeping in high school, college…. oh wait, maybe it’s just always been there. Actually when I got my tonsils taken out in college, that really helped. The doctor thought that my enormous tonsils were causing me to have sleep apnea.

Went to bed around 2 last night, woke up at 5:30 for no reason whatsoever, laid in bed and heard my neighbor’s alarm go off at 6:15am, god I hate that alarm. Fell back asleep at some point until 7:30. Pretty good night-I’d say in total a solid 4 and a half hours of interrupted sleep! I slept a lot in the days after my sinus surgery (more to come on that recovery process), but I did end up going out last weekend, so I feel somewhat to blame for my irregular sleep patterns.

However, I really had no choice but to go out.
 The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation and Take Steps is losing a valuable team member and I had to attend her going-away party. Since we are losing her to Houston, Texas, where did we go of all places? Red Rock Saloon. Red Rock Saloon is a fairly new bar on Water Street in Milwaukee and Water Street's "attempt" at a country bar. I have not been on Water Street in quite some time because I don’t like the threat of rape from frat boys, annoying drunk girls, or the chance of getting shot by some white dude who thinks he’s gangsta. I don’t think I was mentally prepared for what was to come.

I walked up to the bar and gave my ID to the bouncer, who I probably babysat for (if I was allowed to be around young children-parents for some reason don’t’ like swearing). I’m not going to spend too much time talking about the bar, since the real point of the evening was to celebrate/mourn the loss of an AMAZING woman. However, something must be said. The “kids” that were in the bar looked like they were going to their high school prom and/or wanted to rape me. My friend and I walked through the bar looking for the group. I almost ran screaming out of the bar when we went to the back bar and saw people slow dancing to country music on the dance floor. Yep, worst country prom ever.

But I was there for my friend!! So I decided to suck it up. We ended up being in the “VIP” section, which is front-row seats to the mechanical bull. This brought back horrible memories of my time in Wausau (aka the sweaty armpit of the MidWest). Although my normal cynical self would say that these girls molesting the bull for attention was sad, I decided to put on my “happy face”! This was going well and I was having a great time with all my Team Challenge folks. Then I saw what, or I should say “who”, was behind the bar. The bartender forgot to put her pants on. Plain and simple, she was standing there in her underwear, cut up tank top and I’m guessing a water bra. I shouldn’t say she wasn’t wearing any pants. Technically, I guess you would call them “ass-less jeans”. Or maybe the technical term is Ass-less denim chaps? It was really just two strips of denim down the side of her legs and then full jeans from the knee down, which was sort of weird. Why bother wearing shin jeans? I don’t want to be the old grumpy woman, but I will be. I don’t care how young you are, or how skinny you are, put some damn pants on. You know what’s nice though? That they leave something to the imagination…

A graphical representation of the amazing bar scene that is Water Street.
One other thing I just had to mention was when we walked past the main bar, I think a sewage pipe had burst, or maybe it was the rugby team we walked by, but something smelled b-a-d. The “DJ” was playing “country” music, which somehow everyone knew all the words to yet I had never heard of any of the songs. I looked at who I thought were my friends with disbelief. “Oh I have a tractor and a white shirt on, I want my toes in the sand, my wife left me, my dog died, etc.” Seriously?

But then…all of a sudden….out of nowhere, the DJ redeemed himself! Last Resort by Papa Roach comes flooding through the speakers. I was shocked how country music and 90’s alternative lead to hard rock, although it is an older song, but I didn’t question this diamond in the rough that fate had given me. This was my “pump-up” song I used to listen to before soccer games in college. On repeat. It was on. All those people I had made fun of earlier for singing along…..I was them times 100. “Suffocation!! No breathing!!! This is my last resort!!” I was a hypocritical head-banging obnoxious mess.

Red Rock Saloon didn't know what hit them. There was also a lot more jumping and lip-synching.
The song was over and it was like a dream. Did it really happen? I take back everything negative I said about this bar. It’s awesome-I'm getting on the bull!! Okay, maybe not that far…

On a final note, we stopped by coyote ugly to hear if it was as bad as I heard. It was. The story I heard about coyote ugly is that a beer is about twice what it would be at any other bar, the girls are...um, you know, from here, and my friend said he stopped in the bar, paid a ridiculous amount for a drink and then the bartenders were yelling at him from a bullhorn. Funny part was, he looked around, and there were only about 3 people in the bar. I would say this bar is exactly like what you would expect if Coyote Ugly came to Wisconsin. My prediction is this won’t last through next winter.

But on to better and brighter topics! Bottom line, it was great to spend time with the amazing people that are Team Challenge and I had a great time despite the lack of clothing and country music, that's how great these people are! And I am losing not only my Take Steps coordinator, but a good friend.

Shameless Plug: Where will you be on June 5th? Walking with me Take Steps at Miller Park, that's right!!!
Oh the times in Vegas, chillin’ in your hotel room when my plane finally got in at midnight. You watching me puke with joy….It has been great having you part of the team, I hope you continue to support Crohn’s and Colitis and make it back to Wisco whenever you can. Or perhaps I will have to meander on down to good ol’ Texas and see what I’m guessing a real country bar is like. You will be missed...and, of course, I will wear my Take Steps tattoo in your honor this year.
In true word bubble fashion.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hot Things #4

Some things never change. I’m sure this will come as a great shock to you all, but I burned myself yesterday trying to straighten my stupid hair. Seriously, when are perms going to come back in fashion? That would be great for me.
This time the flat iron fell down into the sink so I was trying to grab it while doing 3 other things and not really being awake because it’s stupid morning. I reached to put the flat iron back on the sink but I bypassed the handle and grabbed the hot part of the iron. For those of you wondering, this is not smart. It hurt enough that I decided I should actually put cold water on it. After a couple minutes it was numb, almost as if I hadn’t learned my lesson at all. I went along with my day, thinking that was it for a while and perhaps my hot flashes would be done for at least a while.

The next day, i.e. today, I went downstairs to our cafeteria to get some coffee because I didn’t get up early enough to stop for “real” coffee. I went down at a time when I thought the mad rush would be over. But no, other people dared to be getting stuff at the same time I was. I normally put down my coffee and add my substitute sugar (aka one of the 5,000 things that will give me cancer) right away and then take it upstairs. But since there were waaay too many people in front of the coffee extras (what is the correct word for this by the way, condiments, coffee accessories?) (additional side note-there were 2 people in front of the coffee stuff), so since I had already waited my normal amount of time that I will wait for anything, .00004 seconds, I grabbed my splenda and mixing stick and was on my way.
Caution: Contents are h-o-t (like you are!).
I think it would be more inspiring if those lame warnings that lawyers make manufacturers put on their products (worry warts) came with positive affirmations. Just a thought.
My small hands don’t have the capabilities to carry more than 2 things so with the coffee cup with the ill-fitting lid, splenda, mixing stick, napkin, credit card…it was a recipe for disaster. It actually could have been much worse. The lid popped off a little and the hot coffee spilled out onto my hand. Considering how fast it cools down and it’s lukewarm taste, I was surprised at how hot it was. I guess this is why that lady won all that money from McDonalds back in the day.

For some, swearing loudly in the workplace before 8am is considered a negative.
I swore loudly and had to walk to a table to put down the cup, mix in the splenda and go upstairs while the men and women sitting down at the tables got to watch. I put my hand under cold water briefly but got impatient after a couple of seconds. So now, somewhat very similar to my burn from yesterday but on the other side, the inside of my first fingers is red and inside of my thumb. Some may argue that the lesson to be learned here is not to make the same mistake twice, maybe to have more patience when around hot items, but I disagree. The real lesson is other people should not be in my cafeteria when I am there and straight hair is overrated.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bathroom Etiquette

Before you shut down your computer, clean your computer screen and run to start washing your hands, please note that I am limiting this post to women’s bathroom etiquette as I don’t think I have the stomach to venture into the unknown disgusting territory that is called the Men’s Bathroom. Guys, I really don’t know how you do it.

Guys are gross.
Unfortunately for you (and me), it turns out women are just as gross. Okay, well not all women. And maybe this isn't that big a deal for some people, but since I have Crohn's and I spend so much time in it (ohhhhh I love a good Crohn’s potty joke)), perhaps that is why I have some serious respect for the bathroom. I think it should be respected and clean, like a clean room or a throne (too much?). Although I might not be the “neatest” person in the world, some may say organizationally challenged, one of the first things I clean is the bathroom. And yes, there is a difference between messy and dirty. Dirty is not something I can handle.

I work in a very large organization so the bathroom is not one of those 1-2 stallers, I’m talking 10 stalls, 4 sinks, mirrors and garbage cans galore. Yeah…you’re jealous. Okay, maybe not. Anyway, FOUR sinks…. so ladies, you have NO excuse not to wash your hands. Yes! Some women don’t wash their hands!!! This was the GROSSEST thing I have ever seen or found out about. Well, I shouldn’t say ever-life is a mysterious stream! Regardless, it’s pretty freakin’ gross. It makes me want to wear gloves at all times and never shake anyone’s hand again. I would just look at people I meet at work as they slowly reach out their hand in disgust. You begin to realize maybe why it wasn’t so weird for Michael Jackson to wear those gloves and face mask all the time.

This is from the toilet paper cover. As a general rule if a toilet paper cover gives you information that could SAVE YOUR LIFE, I say you follow it.

Also, what is with these noises people make when they are going to the bathroom? This is probably the worst thing to me and the word “gross” doesn’t even begin to properly convey my feelings of disgust. I’m talking about the heavy sighing and breathing. You are going to the bathroom, not doing a power yoga breathing exercise. Pee and get going.

And ladies, don’t pee on the toilet seat. I know guys hate that, and guess what, I do too. I don’t want to clean up after you. As I mentioned, I don’t really like cleaning up after myself that much so I sure as crap don’t want to clean up your pee. My workplace is nice enough to provide those toilet seat covers. Guess what they’re for? Yep… think about it. Also, they have a nice little picture/cartoon on the actual toilet seat cover demonstrating how to use one. I assume this for those people for which putting on a toilet seat cover is a mentally challenging activity. For me, the cover isn’t necessarily a free pass to sit on the toilet. I will not touch a toilet seat in public. You know why? Because I don’t want to die a slow disgusting death from an infected disease, that’s why.

That gray thing on the right has toilet seat covers in it (no, it's not a purse holder). The gray thing on the left is for feminine products. "Now You Know".

Oh my, how could I forget the extremely important etiquette guideline of flushing. I know I’m throwing a lot at you right now, but trust me, every single step in this process is vital. Especially, and yes I know it’s gross, but especially if there are feminine products involved. Guys, feel free to cover your eyes for this part. And men, I can tell you, even as a woman, I’m grossed out by that. I mean…I don’t want to see it. Period. No pun intended.

Nope. Not going to draw a picture of that.  Just not going to do it.
One final consideration that ties in with hand washing is hand drying. I am not sure if people just flail their wet hands around attempting to spray water on as much surface area as possible, but I can think of no other explanation for why the countertops and mirrors are soaking wet. Are people taking baths in there? There are several techniques for keeping the common areas dry and no, not washing your hands, is not one of the options.
What I think happens when I'm not in there...
One, after drying your hands with some paper towel, use said paper towel to wipe up any mess or water you may have spilled. Two, make sure your hands aren’t sopping wet when you reach for the paper towel. And yes, this involves patiently waiting for a couple of seconds or the “flick” technique to remove excess water. Since I have the patience of about .000001 seconds, you can guess which technique I use. You don’t have to guess…it’s option one!!! got a little too excited about that, but what are you going to do?! Keeping the counter dry helps so that if I have work documents, they don’t get wet when I set them on the counter. In another instance, let’s say hypothetically someone looked like they peed their pants and a lot of people made fun of them for this. Well guess what, wiping off the countertop just saved your friend some pee-panting jokes! Now that’s Miles Davis cool.

So in summary:

1) stay clean while you pee,
2) stay silent while doing your business,
3) F-l-u-s-h (pretty self-explanatory),
5) and keep the counter area dry and super fly.

That’s it for now-enjoy your pottying time.

UPDATE: It’s as if the bathroom gods themselves knew I was writing a Bathroom Etiquette post and bestowed upon me another lesson to convey. This one is probably more true for the ladies-the bathroom is not the water cooler. I get really uncomfortable when someone tries to talk to me. Think of the stall as a mute button-you go in, the conversation automatically stops. You get out, let’s walk outside the bathroom to talk because it’s not the living room. I don’t want to be talking to someone, let alone about business matters, while having to listen to someone do their business or that creepy heavy breathing.

The reason this comes up is because I was literally stuck in the bathroom. I went in, peed, and was taking care of the clean-up when these two women walk in and I hear one women say: “Can you believe that bitch!?” That is my cue to shut up. Well this woman was bitching about another one (very loudly might I add-do they know that the walls are not soundproof?), vacation days, not doing her work, blah blah blah… I don’t care. I didn’t know them (mostly because I don’t know anyone), but I definitely wasn’t going to walk out in the middle of it. I was literally standing there, fully dressed, waiting to flush the toilet. I was in……..the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of my life.

I’m not kidding, she talked for 10 minutes (what felt like 20)-it was beyond uncomfortable. After they got done complaining about work, they moved on to their personal lives. “I heard that so and so gained 20 pounds!! And he doesn’t even like her, I heard he cheated on her with so and so” This is one thing I dislike about women (and men gossips). I’m just not that into gossip. It’s none of my business what someone else is doing. If they want me to know, they’ll probably tell me. And if someone is cheating on someone and they are your friend, go tell her so she can dump his pathetic ass!! (another story though-don’t even get me started).

Okay, moral of the story is save your chit-chat for the water cooler, or better yet outside of work, or better yet…..not at all.

Now go on and enjoy your clean bathroom time. You deserve it!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sleep deprevation-it's a HOOT

Warning: this post was written on very little sleep, addresses about 8 topics and may cause seizure in animals and small children.

Although I used to tease my parents that I was adopted because there was no way someone as cool a kid as me came from them, I have decided that this might actually be true. I now believe myself to be part-owl.  Yes Charlie-Sheen, my owl-blood trumps your tiger blood (and jumping on the bandwagon). This hypothesis stems from my habit of not sleeping all night, be tired all day, and my ability to get to the center of a tootsie pop in 3 licks.

Today I am seriously sleep deprived. When I was first going to write this (30 seconds ago), my explanation for being tired was because I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30 last morning and got up at 7:25 this morning, which for those of you math majors equals about 4 hours of sleep. Then I started to go back and realized that last night was a culmination of bad decisions for about a week and a half, starting with coming back to work after 3 days off for the surgery. This all started last week when I started working on Monday, only a few days after the surgery. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday and then went in on Wednesday as the Boss was going to London for a week and a half and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Turns out that page is everyone freaking out at work, and me being exhausted. I stopped taking my pain meds because I just can’t think clearly enough when on them. Stupid job requiring me to think and put together coherent thoughts.

And I didn’t exactly get to ease back into it. This is how my work week ended last week.

Boss: “Don’t worry about these deals A,B, and C, I will handle them-you don’t have to/shouldn’t touch these.”

Boss leaves. Approximately 3 seconds later...

5 million work people: “Oh my god!!! Deals A,B, and C need to get done in 7 seconds and Boss is gone…you need to approve immediately or we will lose $8 gazillion dollars!!!”

Needless to say, the stress was fantastic. In the middle of me doing my best to handle everything and hopefully put out some decent work product, the Boss’s Boss came over to ask me how things were going. She took this time to point out that I should put together a little "memo" of all the issues I receive and my responses "in case I'm out or we bring someone else in"...or something like that.  Wow, I've just been motivated. I'd love to put together a little book for a potential replacement-thanks for crushing my energy. Unfortuatnely the entire point of my position is to review things that are non-standard....so not sure how that is going to work, but I am looking forward to it!

To counter the effects of no sleep, I, like every other good American, have used artificial “quick-fix” substitutes to replace natural healthy options such as sleep. I drank my yummy non-fat hazelnut latte and jamming out to itunes top 100 singles.

Pretty representative actually.
J-Low has a new song called on the floor, Brit-brit has another song called on the floor… oh no? Okay, well I can’t tell the difference. I heard a rumor that all of music will be digitally done by like 2015, so there will be no actual music being made anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, I love this music, especially when I’m tearing it up on the dance floor (oh…that’s where they got that idea). And some of these artists are really talented, others….almost seem to be created in a lab (aka studio)-it is these producers that should be getting grammys for making them sound good. Plus I think that most people like the songs for the beat and not necessarily for their deep-thought provoking lyrics (If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me? really?)

I don’t know how the latest offender, Kim Kardashian, was allowed into a studio. And I know she has gotten a lot of negative feedback on the song...well, maybe for a reason. And she is only the latest in a line of fails-Paris Hilton, etc. Kim Kardashian is not a musician, she didn’t create the song, didn’t write the lyrics, didn’t develop a melody or the beat. So what is her one contributing factor? (okay besides her fame)-her voice. So shouldn’t she be a good singer? Turns out no! That detail doesn’t matter. I actually saw her reality tv show when she went into the studio and sang, because after all of the negative feedback from the song I thought they would have some response to that.

Instead, and this is great, they showed the footage of her singing before it was altered. Okay, it was probably already altered, but still…it’s bad. I mean her voice is high and nasally…that doesn’t really translate well to song, or to talking actually. And she was a bit off-key to say the least. It was honestly laugh-out-loud funny when they showed the clip of her singing and then her listening to the finished song. She was like “this is good!”. Yes, you sound surprised and so are we, because that sounds about as different as when you were singing as possible.

This is the most clothes and the least amount of makeup Kim Kardashian has ever worn.
This is why I feel there should be no lip-synching. Black Eyed Peas got a lot of negative feedback for how bad they sounded at the SuperBowl. I still smile with nostalgia at the image of Ashlee Simpson 2.0 (post 12 plastic surgeries) doing the jig on SNL and getting booed at that Football game. We are their audience, we give them a career-we have the power!

Okay, got to run-need to download new Ke$ha song. yesssss!!!! Definitely overtired.  And up posting this at midnight. Hoot-hoot!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Lady Gaga's Born This Way-the first critique

I just saw Lady Gaga's video of Born this Way, and felt I had to express my opinion, because only like 5,000 other people expressed their opinion on this so far.

I heard this song on the radio, but disregarded it because: 1) Um, it's called Madonna-Express Yourself-she is just singing the wrong words, and 2) it's not that great a second time.

After seeing this video (okay I didn't get through all 7 minutes and 20 seconds, I'll admit it) that apparently brought tears to the choreographer's eyes, I am convinced that this occured when he ate an onion sandwich during their lunch break (during which Lady Gaga did not eat).  I almost didn't want to link to the video here because I didn't want to encourage people to watch it, but I figured, what's 7 more people?  To summarize, this "music video" involves an anorexic woman posing on a unicorn, with a third eye, then she is an anorexic women in a skeleton/skull costume, and then she is an anorexic women dancing (poorly) in a bikini and I think half of a flip-flop? I think that pretty much summarizes the main points.

If you don't feel like subjecting yourself to the actual video, this is what it looks like and yes, that is an eyeball on her chin. I wonder if that adds to a Lasik charge...

I think if you looked up "trying too hard" in the dictionary-there would be 7 minutes and 20 seconds of this glitter, unicorn, birthing, skull thing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a big fan of a lot of Lady Gaga's songs although they normally take me a few times to get into them and then I lose interest in them after some time (still upset I spent that 99 cents everytime I skip over Alejandro on my ipod)--of course I shouldn't be too harsh, as that is sort of my m.o. when it comes to all songs.  I overplay them, get sick of them, find a new song---I know, it's so Generation Y.

However, Lady Gaga is trying soooooooooo hard to be different that it's actually turning into something pretty unoriginal. Am I missing something-was this an omage to Madonna and I just wasn't in the loop? That is entirely possible.  Also, giving birth to yourself has been done-it's called film noir and Pedro Almodovar.  Look it up Lady Gaga.

I saw this link about Lady Gaga before she was famous, the video at the bottom didn't work for me but there are some pics, but apparently she was on MTV's boiling point before she was famous. Not sure if you remember this show, but it was an MTV show where you got cash if you didn't get upset or swear within the time limit.  Apparently Lady Gaga went Lady ApeShit.  I guess boiling point wasn't high enough-maybe her lack of intake of food has made her more calm. So what have we learned from this: 1) that she wasn't always "Lady Gaga" and that that is a made-up image to make millions of dollars (granted-it's working-you go girl), and 2) She does know how to eat.

Okay, I'm done now.  Also, if Lady Gaga does read this (and I'm fairly certain she will), I have now seen enough vagina shots that we'll call it even for like....ever.  And if you want to criticize this post, go ahead, but in my defense, it's not my fault, I was born this way.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Oscar De-Nomination

This is a post about pop-culture and once again, I'm on the forefront of the trend as the Oscars are currently being shown, I wrote this post weeks ago, and am putting it up now.  I normally don't write about pop-culture because, well mostly because I don't know anything that is going on, which doesn't make me less opinionated or less correct, just perhaps slightly less informed.  Anyway....on to the oscars!

 I’m writing this: 1) Because I’ve had too much caffeine this morning [Update-several weeks ago], and 2) because I abnormally know a lot about what is going on in pop-culture. For example, did you know the Oscar nominations came out? I’m sure you did. I, however, never know this stuff so the fact that I do know it means for sure I should write my unknowledgeable opinions about it since I have seen approximately none of the Oscar nominated films. Who better to write an in-depth critique on the nominations??? You guessed it! Me!!! [Update: I still haven't seen any of the Oscar nominated films, so this post retains its integrity]

It’s really a minor detail that I haven’t seen the films as I can tell based on the preview, the actors, and what others have said.

Okay let’s start with the worst offender, The Social Network. Oh man, why are they giving this movie awards? It should be banned from everything because: #1-Jesse Eisencrap is horrible. Hi, my name is Jesse Eisen-crap and I just mumble a lot and have bad hair-give me an Oscar! I saw him in Zombieland (or at least I think I did-I certainly couldn’t hear him because he was mumbling worse than I do) and in some camp movie…or not a camp, it’s like a carnival, Adventureland maybe? Yeah, it was that memorable.

I flat-out refuse to see any movie that he is the lead in. Period. And Oscars you are encouraging this man to act more? Why????

#2 why this movie sucked, it’s about Facebook and Facebook sucks so A + B….

Facebook (and yes, I am on it technically) is a breeding ground for married individuals to commit adultery, encourages stalkers, and somehow went from a college networking tool to where everyone and their mom (and yes their mom is on it) can spy on each other. If I wanted you to know everything about me, I would tell you. But I don’t.

Yes, the facebook can be treacherous grounds for those with a lack of a moral compass.
And yes, I get the irony of me having a blog and being a private person. But it’s what I want to tell people-not other pictures people can put up, or things people can write about you, or private messaging, poking…blah, blah, blah.

Oh please, re-connect with all your exes…yeah, awesome.

Where was I? Yes, Oscars.

I think I heard a rumor that the Tourist was nominated, or at least it was for the Golden Globes (which I think already happened???-not sure who won). I’m going to ignore this because I have decided this is a joke.

I did see that Twilight was nominated for a Razzie. Awesome… don’t even get me started on that. Okay, well now you did. Hi, I’m a vampire-I just met you-we are supposed to be like 12 years old, we’re instantly in love and I would do anything for you. Also, you’re a really bad actress and mumble and make the same weird face that looks like you have to go to the bathroom the entire movie. OH MY GOD!! LET’S FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS MOVIE!

Okay so it's one thing if you're a teenage girl.  Fine, you like the romance, you don't understand character depth, and the books are written at a level that even 2nd graders can read.  "I am a girl. I want to be a vampire. I love you. Bite me now."  You know what would be worse, grown adults who are married (or even divorced) and have their own kids and who re-connect with their high-school girlfriend/boyfriend and pretend that they are like the people in Twilight. No one would do that….would they?

Here is how the script for Twilight reads, for those of you who haven't seen it:

Vampire: makes mysterious brooding face-stands there staring

Kristin Stewart (KS): mumbles (debates whether she has to go the bathroom)

Vampire: Oh my god…you smell really bad-I want to eat you, no wait, I love you unconditionally forever. Brooding stare-applies extra white makeup

KS: like…what is going on? mumbles.

Vampire: We can’t be together, you’re only 13 and I look like a 28 year old freshman in high school

KS: No-I want to be a vampire.  Because I feel lonely and all the decisions I make when I am 13 seem like really good ideas and I have not yet developed the part of my brain that things of like consequences or understands the meaning of words like “long-term”

Vampire: Look-I added glitter to my makeup…but whatever, mumbles…. I don’t care because I’m super cool and mysterious

KS: Okay, well I've narrowed it down between you and this werewolf who doesn't wear a shirt.  I already know it's going to be you because I just have this glitter thing, but I'm going to drag it on for like 6 movies to make some money...trails off, maybe goes potty??

And Scene.

Well, I’m pretty much out of material for the Oscars since, like I said, I haven’t seen any of the movies. I do want to see The Fighter and True Grit. The Fighter was directed by David O. Russell and he’s pretty much super freakin’ awesome, but I can already tell I won’t like the supporting actress played by Amy Adams. Was she nominated? Ugh, that would figure. This is my impression of a female in any of these types of roles “I have no life of my own, my entire job is to support you and you’re probably going to treat me like crap at some point but I will selflessly give up everything in my life for your dream. Also, I talk in a really annoying and in a bad accent.” Give me an award for being a one-dimension female character whose entire purpose in life is to support a man! Awesome!!!

I have also been told that the girl in True Grit is like a mini-version of me, so I kind of want to see that. My parents said I had an “attitude problem” from basically the age I could talk until I moved out at 18. Why couldn’t I have taken that attitude (some would call it sass) and become a rich Oscar nominated child actor? Oh yeah, probably because I grew up in central Wisconsin and have no talent. Damn you destiny!!

What other movies… oh yeah, the King’s Speech. I love Colin Firth so I have no qualms about him being nominated. He’s a great actor and I’ve never really gotten over my crush from his Darcy role in Pride and Prejudice (yes, it started with the BBC version). And, at least his speech problem is written into script unlike Jesse Eisen-Mumbles.

Inception-I really liked and thought should have gotten more awards-direction, writing, “cool”-is that an award? It should be. Maybe it was too long ago though.

I don’t understand how a film can be so cocky that it thinks it is Oscar-worthy so it decides to come out right before Oscar season. It seems like the Oscars fall for this everytime (well-they said they’re Oscar worthy in the preview and that they should get an Oscar….guess we should!). Half of them are crap and just because a movie came out earlier, it may still be a lot better. If I could think of a good film, I would put it here…but I can’t. So I guess that says something in it of itself. Although I heard there were 10 movies in Best Film nominee-are they not limited anymore? Well crap, why don’t you just list every movie that came out this year. That would at least be all-inclusive.

I know Toy Story 3 is going to win for best animated, although this wasn’t my favorite animated movie and I love animated movies. Maybe because I was in a bad place when I watched this, or maybe all the emphasis on Ken & Barbie left a bad taste in my mouth. Either way, I’m not as excited as I normally am about animated movies. I would love it if an animated movie won the Best Picture award someday. In your face actors, we can draw what you do better than you do it yourself. I wonder when Pixar is going to come knocking on my door asking me to do some drawings for them…. probably any day now.
Plenty more where this comes from Pixar!
Well, I think I pretty much covered everything you need to know about the Oscars. Any other questions, feel free to ask. No, there was nothing in here about fashion-deal with it. Who cares about the fashion? No one, that’s who. Wow, you all look like you spent 8 hours and thousands upon thousands of dollars getting ready and yet some of you still look like crap—how is that possible? Also, eat something-you make me feel fat.

I heard that the movies are about acting and talent, but that was all sunk when they gave all those awards to Titanic.

Yes, that was a fun.  See ya next year Oscars.

Update: All I can say, is thank you Funny or Die. I knew I wasn't the only one whose appreciation for Jessen Eisen-crap's "acting" ability.  Here is audition of Jesse Eisenberg auditioning for 127 hours. Audition

Monday, February 21, 2011

Sleek & Snotty Sinus Surgery

I don’t know how to properly convey my sarcasm of my recent news that I need surgery without offending someone-so I’ll skip the sarcastic comment and get right into the details.

I’m having surgery this Thursday. I still don’t know what I’m actually getting done, what time I’m having it, how long, etc. But the surgery center doesn’t seem to want to bore me with such unnecessary details or return my calls, so I will fill them in as best as I can.

My Ear, Nose, and Throat (“ENT”) for those us in the loop, said it’s technically 3 surgeries. I have made myself a punch card and have decided that whatever happens in life, I will submit this card on my 10th surgery and it better darn well be free. I mean if we do it for coffee, why not for surgeries? One word-Capitalism.

That is my digestive tract-in case you didn't recognize it in such detail and color.
The billing woman (yeah, they’re pretty good at calling to see if they get paid), listed off 3 different things that started with an S or something—but I didn’t really catch it. However, on my consent form, it states that the procedure will be a: “Septoplasty with a take down left Concha Bullosa with a Bilateral Maxillary Sinuplasty Balloon.” I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that’s a football play. I’m going to get in there and it’s going to be Felix with his helmet on talking jibberish to me and putting his paws up my nose. Oh but he’s still so cute!! I need to figure out a way to take a picture of the CT scan and put it on here, because that made it more clear. Not that my drawings aren’t medically accurate, but theirs are slightly more…drawn to scale. I actually should see if any medical textbooks want to purchase the rights to these drawings. In fact, although the Dr. wanted me to bring in my CT scan for reference, I should probably just bring in my drawings instead.

So the surgeries are to correct (which I had no idea I had) a deviated septum. This is probably why I can’t breathe out of my right nostril. I also have extra sinuses on the sinuses up by my nose and these are conveniently located right on the narrow part so that air/drainage, etc. can’t get through. From my understanding, the septoplasy is to fix the deviated septum and that balloon thing is similar to what they do in your arteries when they blow the balloon and sort of push the sinuses out of the way. I hope that as a souvenir from this surgery I get to keep it in the shape of a dog balloon animal!!! Ruff!

And yes, I had to googlesearch what I was getting done. I don’t know if I would have actually done it on my own if not for writing this post. Maybe I’m just too trusting. You want to knock me out and stick a bunch of balloons up my nose and cut a bunch of stuff? Yeah, sure, where do I sign? Okay, I looked up Concha Bullosa, because it sounds like a disease elephants get. I thought this might be the part related to another extra sinus or something in my nose that in the CT scan showed up as a big pocket of air, when the Dr. said it should be gray/matter-so he was going to slice it open or something. Here is what the Doctor of the Internet, Wikipedia, has to say, “Concha Bullosa is an abnormal pneumatization of the middle turbinate which may interfere with normal ventilation of sinus ostia and can result in recurrent sinusitis.” Yep, that helps-thanks Wikipedia. Oh okay, in the next sentence they dumb it down for us lay people: "Concha bullosa refers to an enlargement or ballooning of the nasal turbinate (which is a normal structure in the nose). Concha bullosa is a normal anatomic variant, but occasionally, a concha bullosa can be very large and contribute to sinus obstruction. In these cases, the concha bullosa can be reduced by surgery."

Part of why I finally got the CT scan, was years of repeated sinusitis/sinus infections.  Here are some "real" medical pictures.  Show offs.

Warning: Not an actual balloon

Oh Maxillary Sinus!  You're so tricky!
Let’s talk dollars and cents, with a lot more of the former than the latter. Since this is a brand new year (thanks 2011 for being so super sweet awesome thus far), it’s a brand new deductible. Last year I was lucky enough to reach my deductible somewhere around December 26. I went pretty crazy those last 5 days. Oh wait, no, I was working. Thanks 2010!! Man, I’m noticing a pattern….

Anyway, so since the hospital is being all “we want to get paid for providing services”-they’re asking for the remaining amount of deductible-up front, 2 days before. I debated writing on check “Please do not cash until February 24, 2018”-but I somehow think the joke would be lost on them. Plus, as we all remember from our Negotiable Instrument class in law school, writing that on a check doesn’t mean they can’t cash it. Damn you lady law!!!

Okay, I got distracted by Section 3 of the Uniform Commercial Code…that happen to anyone else? Yeah, then you are also really cool. So bad news is this is going to cost me some $$$, even better news is that I’m no longer going to be on Cobra at the end of this month, so I will: a) not have health insurance, and b) potentially have complications from the surgery.

This leads me to my (7th?) point, in my true melodramatic fashion, whenever anything slightly risky is going to happen to me, I like to mentally prepare for my untimely death. This involves, in no particular order, (1) flying, (2) surgeries such as this one involving general anesthesia and sharp objects cutting into my face and in the middle of my head, (3) my driving and semi-trucks, (4) flying, (5) downhill skiing, and (6) me and anything that can potentially burn me. This list is not exhaustive, but you get the idea. Basically, I am always prepared for the worst.

And what is the best way to prepare for a potential death or complications than to celebrate LIFE!! So please, join me at a happy hour tomorrow at Karma where they will be having a food and drink special of $10 all you can drink in honor of my surgery. Okay, this special might not be only in honor of me, but also because it’s Tuesday-but whatever, semantics. Please let me know if you need directions, if you are unaware, this was also the location of the extremely successful Team Challenge Fundraiser of 2010. I’m sure when we go in there will be some sort of plaque or memorial, I really hope it’s bedazzled. Oh man, I need to put those pictures up of that bedazzled jar. It’s amazing what happens when my creativity is allowed to roam free, and I get to play with sparkling things.

Okay completely lost my train of thought there. Oh yeah, surgery. This is serious stuff people! Well, I think that’s about it. I think I’m most apprehensive about what it will be like after the surgery. I’ve read stories where people are really fatigued for 2-weeks, heard about the pain, etc. But then I am also excited to think I might be able to breathe (and possibly run??) better. It is with mixed emotions that I contemplate the loss of my snot rockets. While they are really annoying, distracting, and an inconvenience to say the least, especially indoors, I feel like I do them so much that they are integral to my athletic endeavors-my theme of “mud, snot, and tears”---will be missing one of the 3 amigos.

I will be grateful for the money I will save on 3,000 boxes of kleenex, doctor visits, antibiotics, over-the-counter medications, etc. I even tried a Netty-Pot. This is a pot, that you sti c k in your nose and use to flush out your sinuses. The saline goes into one nostril, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril. I should have figured out I have a deviated septum when I tried to do this and got saline all over the sink/down my throat, etc. on one of the sides. But besides that, it worked really well and it looks sexy, so really a win-win.

That is actually about the size of my nose.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Only 361 more dreaded days until Valentine's Day

Yep, this one is timely.

Valentine’s Day. It’s like a swear word to me. Just brings a bad taste to my mouth. But why should I let years of crappy valentine’s day, horrible ex-boyfriends, and society putting pressure on people to express their feelings get in the way of a cheery blog? I clearly won’t. On this “V-Day”, I was given the great news at yet another doctor appointment that I need to have surgery, which I will be having in less than a week(No-not Crohn’s related and more to come on this). Thank you Saint Valentine!

My reaction to anything Valentine's Day-y.
   So let the love shine on. Included in this post are some pictures for you to print out, put up in your cube or on your desk and will make you smile all day long. Or, you could print it out, write a love poem to someone and put it in their desk. No way these pictures can fail-I personally guarantee it.

Don’t worry men, if you’re feeling not so creative right now, don’t worry-I’ve written one for you to give to your special lady! You can select from the pull-down options exactly what your lady friend is like.  But be sure to tell them that their uniqueness and one-of-a-kind being is waht inspired this poem and that no one else in the world could inspire these words but them. The important thing is that you spent the time to write it out and that it is very specific to your one significant other. And as they say, it’s the thought that counts (or as society has told you—it’s how much you spend on them).

 A Valentine's Day Poem

Oh (fill in the name of your loved on here), you are so beautiful,
I love your (short/medium/long) hair, which shines so bright (red/blonde/brown/gray/ blue highlights),
your sun-kissed skin makes me want to scream,
scream to the world how much I (love you/really like you/like you/just met you but want to get some action on Valentine’s day).

No one knows me the way you know me,
I’ve never let anyone know me the way you know me,
no one knows me because I am so sexy mysterious.

I have opened up all my secrets to you though, because you are different. You are special.  You are my favorite.
What? No, I’ve never told that to anyone before! I promise.
No baby, I wouldn’t lie to you. What? That one other time I lied? No, that wasn’t my fault. You didn’t ask me if she gave me her phone number, you only asked if I gave her my phone number. Well I didn’t even really get it… my friend took my phone from me and put it in there himself! What do you mean you don’t believe me??? That sounds totally plausible!! [right?]

Ok (insert name) let’s forget about that because, baby, I’m only into you [for now]
I got this one (rose/daffodil/lily/pink carnation) especially for you. Yes, it’s only one flower, but this flower symbolizes my (love/really like/like/lust) for you.
[If you don’t want it, please give it back to me so that I can give it to someone else, and it will be especially for them.]

I also got you this box of chocolates. I love that you’re not “one of those girls” who doesn’t eat. I really like that you haven’t caved in to peer pressure like those other girls to be so skinny. You are proud to be a woman with curves. Why are you leaving? Wait! Come back!

I ate a couple of the chocolates while I was waiting for you to get ready, but it’s not because I don’t think you’re worth waiting for or think my time is more important than you, it’s because these two chocolates I ate symbolize the first two (years/months/days) I’ve known you that are so good I just had to eat them up!

I wrote this poem for you (insert name) because on Valentine’s Day, it’s the day to really share something from the heart.

I love your laugh, I love your smile, I love the way you brush your teeth.
I love your brains, I love your sass,
I love your personality and your ….face.

Oh baby, this one is for you, don’t ever forget it, and I won’t ever forget you.

Want to makeout now?


Perfect example of how society makes us think “love” and “valentine’s day” are so great. My new addicting song of the moment!

Rhythm of Love

Yet, here is how life really is. It’s Crazy.

Jar of Hearts

And finally, the pictures you've been promised.  The first ones are the cutesy ones that people think they should have, and then after are my reenactments of how life really is.  Take your pick.

I'm a goldfish and I'm so darn happy that I'm burping love bubbles!
Self-explanatory.  FYI- I made those pebbles myself.

But wait....there's more!!!


Here's what a rainbow really looks like; no photoshop here.  I guess I am still stuck on the poop thing-should have put that in the Poop Challenge.  Well it IS a Crohn's blog afterall.  If you can't do a funny poop joke on here, where can you??

As I wrote this, I thought about a million more things that make V-day horrible, but there just isn't time to put them all in.  I will say one final thought.  What is it with those people who sign everything xoxo. Why?

"I’ll call you after work and we can go to the grocery store!!! xoxo"  "I have a geometry exam tomorrow. xoxo."  "I went to the gym after work. xoxoxoxoxo"

First of all, why are you so excited to get groceries?  Weird.  Second, are you going to molest me at the grocery store?  It's a common phrase.  You're overdoing the xoxo and it's fake and freaking me out.  So please, please stop this habit-your aggressive nature scares me and youI am seriously questioning your ability to understand social norms.

That is all I will say for now.