Sunday, February 27, 2011

Oscar De-Nomination

This is a post about pop-culture and once again, I'm on the forefront of the trend as the Oscars are currently being shown, I wrote this post weeks ago, and am putting it up now.  I normally don't write about pop-culture because, well mostly because I don't know anything that is going on, which doesn't make me less opinionated or less correct, just perhaps slightly less informed.  Anyway....on to the oscars!

 I’m writing this: 1) Because I’ve had too much caffeine this morning [Update-several weeks ago], and 2) because I abnormally know a lot about what is going on in pop-culture. For example, did you know the Oscar nominations came out? I’m sure you did. I, however, never know this stuff so the fact that I do know it means for sure I should write my unknowledgeable opinions about it since I have seen approximately none of the Oscar nominated films. Who better to write an in-depth critique on the nominations??? You guessed it! Me!!! [Update: I still haven't seen any of the Oscar nominated films, so this post retains its integrity]

It’s really a minor detail that I haven’t seen the films as I can tell based on the preview, the actors, and what others have said.

Okay let’s start with the worst offender, The Social Network. Oh man, why are they giving this movie awards? It should be banned from everything because: #1-Jesse Eisencrap is horrible. Hi, my name is Jesse Eisen-crap and I just mumble a lot and have bad hair-give me an Oscar! I saw him in Zombieland (or at least I think I did-I certainly couldn’t hear him because he was mumbling worse than I do) and in some camp movie…or not a camp, it’s like a carnival, Adventureland maybe? Yeah, it was that memorable.

I flat-out refuse to see any movie that he is the lead in. Period. And Oscars you are encouraging this man to act more? Why????

#2 why this movie sucked, it’s about Facebook and Facebook sucks so A + B….

Facebook (and yes, I am on it technically) is a breeding ground for married individuals to commit adultery, encourages stalkers, and somehow went from a college networking tool to where everyone and their mom (and yes their mom is on it) can spy on each other. If I wanted you to know everything about me, I would tell you. But I don’t.

Yes, the facebook can be treacherous grounds for those with a lack of a moral compass.
And yes, I get the irony of me having a blog and being a private person. But it’s what I want to tell people-not other pictures people can put up, or things people can write about you, or private messaging, poking…blah, blah, blah.

Oh please, re-connect with all your exes…yeah, awesome.

Where was I? Yes, Oscars.

I think I heard a rumor that the Tourist was nominated, or at least it was for the Golden Globes (which I think already happened???-not sure who won). I’m going to ignore this because I have decided this is a joke.

I did see that Twilight was nominated for a Razzie. Awesome… don’t even get me started on that. Okay, well now you did. Hi, I’m a vampire-I just met you-we are supposed to be like 12 years old, we’re instantly in love and I would do anything for you. Also, you’re a really bad actress and mumble and make the same weird face that looks like you have to go to the bathroom the entire movie. OH MY GOD!! LET’S FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS MOVIE!

Okay so it's one thing if you're a teenage girl.  Fine, you like the romance, you don't understand character depth, and the books are written at a level that even 2nd graders can read.  "I am a girl. I want to be a vampire. I love you. Bite me now."  You know what would be worse, grown adults who are married (or even divorced) and have their own kids and who re-connect with their high-school girlfriend/boyfriend and pretend that they are like the people in Twilight. No one would do that….would they?

Here is how the script for Twilight reads, for those of you who haven't seen it:

Vampire: makes mysterious brooding face-stands there staring

Kristin Stewart (KS): mumbles (debates whether she has to go the bathroom)

Vampire: Oh my god…you smell really bad-I want to eat you, no wait, I love you unconditionally forever. Brooding stare-applies extra white makeup

KS: like…what is going on? mumbles.

Vampire: We can’t be together, you’re only 13 and I look like a 28 year old freshman in high school

KS: No-I want to be a vampire.  Because I feel lonely and all the decisions I make when I am 13 seem like really good ideas and I have not yet developed the part of my brain that things of like consequences or understands the meaning of words like “long-term”

Vampire: Look-I added glitter to my makeup…but whatever, mumbles…. I don’t care because I’m super cool and mysterious

KS: Okay, well I've narrowed it down between you and this werewolf who doesn't wear a shirt.  I already know it's going to be you because I just have this glitter thing, but I'm going to drag it on for like 6 movies to make some money...trails off, maybe goes potty??

And Scene.

Well, I’m pretty much out of material for the Oscars since, like I said, I haven’t seen any of the movies. I do want to see The Fighter and True Grit. The Fighter was directed by David O. Russell and he’s pretty much super freakin’ awesome, but I can already tell I won’t like the supporting actress played by Amy Adams. Was she nominated? Ugh, that would figure. This is my impression of a female in any of these types of roles “I have no life of my own, my entire job is to support you and you’re probably going to treat me like crap at some point but I will selflessly give up everything in my life for your dream. Also, I talk in a really annoying and in a bad accent.” Give me an award for being a one-dimension female character whose entire purpose in life is to support a man! Awesome!!!

I have also been told that the girl in True Grit is like a mini-version of me, so I kind of want to see that. My parents said I had an “attitude problem” from basically the age I could talk until I moved out at 18. Why couldn’t I have taken that attitude (some would call it sass) and become a rich Oscar nominated child actor? Oh yeah, probably because I grew up in central Wisconsin and have no talent. Damn you destiny!!

What other movies… oh yeah, the King’s Speech. I love Colin Firth so I have no qualms about him being nominated. He’s a great actor and I’ve never really gotten over my crush from his Darcy role in Pride and Prejudice (yes, it started with the BBC version). And, at least his speech problem is written into script unlike Jesse Eisen-Mumbles.

Inception-I really liked and thought should have gotten more awards-direction, writing, “cool”-is that an award? It should be. Maybe it was too long ago though.

I don’t understand how a film can be so cocky that it thinks it is Oscar-worthy so it decides to come out right before Oscar season. It seems like the Oscars fall for this everytime (well-they said they’re Oscar worthy in the preview and that they should get an Oscar….guess we should!). Half of them are crap and just because a movie came out earlier, it may still be a lot better. If I could think of a good film, I would put it here…but I can’t. So I guess that says something in it of itself. Although I heard there were 10 movies in Best Film nominee-are they not limited anymore? Well crap, why don’t you just list every movie that came out this year. That would at least be all-inclusive.

I know Toy Story 3 is going to win for best animated, although this wasn’t my favorite animated movie and I love animated movies. Maybe because I was in a bad place when I watched this, or maybe all the emphasis on Ken & Barbie left a bad taste in my mouth. Either way, I’m not as excited as I normally am about animated movies. I would love it if an animated movie won the Best Picture award someday. In your face actors, we can draw what you do better than you do it yourself. I wonder when Pixar is going to come knocking on my door asking me to do some drawings for them…. probably any day now.
Plenty more where this comes from Pixar!
Well, I think I pretty much covered everything you need to know about the Oscars. Any other questions, feel free to ask. No, there was nothing in here about fashion-deal with it. Who cares about the fashion? No one, that’s who. Wow, you all look like you spent 8 hours and thousands upon thousands of dollars getting ready and yet some of you still look like crap—how is that possible? Also, eat something-you make me feel fat.

I heard that the movies are about acting and talent, but that was all sunk when they gave all those awards to Titanic.

Yes, that was a fun.  See ya next year Oscars.

Update: All I can say, is thank you Funny or Die. I knew I wasn't the only one whose appreciation for Jessen Eisen-crap's "acting" ability.  Here is audition of Jesse Eisenberg auditioning for 127 hours. Audition

Monday, February 21, 2011

Sleek & Snotty Sinus Surgery

I don’t know how to properly convey my sarcasm of my recent news that I need surgery without offending someone-so I’ll skip the sarcastic comment and get right into the details.

I’m having surgery this Thursday. I still don’t know what I’m actually getting done, what time I’m having it, how long, etc. But the surgery center doesn’t seem to want to bore me with such unnecessary details or return my calls, so I will fill them in as best as I can.

My Ear, Nose, and Throat (“ENT”) for those us in the loop, said it’s technically 3 surgeries. I have made myself a punch card and have decided that whatever happens in life, I will submit this card on my 10th surgery and it better darn well be free. I mean if we do it for coffee, why not for surgeries? One word-Capitalism.

That is my digestive tract-in case you didn't recognize it in such detail and color.
The billing woman (yeah, they’re pretty good at calling to see if they get paid), listed off 3 different things that started with an S or something—but I didn’t really catch it. However, on my consent form, it states that the procedure will be a: “Septoplasty with a take down left Concha Bullosa with a Bilateral Maxillary Sinuplasty Balloon.” I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that’s a football play. I’m going to get in there and it’s going to be Felix with his helmet on talking jibberish to me and putting his paws up my nose. Oh but he’s still so cute!! I need to figure out a way to take a picture of the CT scan and put it on here, because that made it more clear. Not that my drawings aren’t medically accurate, but theirs are slightly more…drawn to scale. I actually should see if any medical textbooks want to purchase the rights to these drawings. In fact, although the Dr. wanted me to bring in my CT scan for reference, I should probably just bring in my drawings instead.

So the surgeries are to correct (which I had no idea I had) a deviated septum. This is probably why I can’t breathe out of my right nostril. I also have extra sinuses on the sinuses up by my nose and these are conveniently located right on the narrow part so that air/drainage, etc. can’t get through. From my understanding, the septoplasy is to fix the deviated septum and that balloon thing is similar to what they do in your arteries when they blow the balloon and sort of push the sinuses out of the way. I hope that as a souvenir from this surgery I get to keep it in the shape of a dog balloon animal!!! Ruff!

And yes, I had to googlesearch what I was getting done. I don’t know if I would have actually done it on my own if not for writing this post. Maybe I’m just too trusting. You want to knock me out and stick a bunch of balloons up my nose and cut a bunch of stuff? Yeah, sure, where do I sign? Okay, I looked up Concha Bullosa, because it sounds like a disease elephants get. I thought this might be the part related to another extra sinus or something in my nose that in the CT scan showed up as a big pocket of air, when the Dr. said it should be gray/matter-so he was going to slice it open or something. Here is what the Doctor of the Internet, Wikipedia, has to say, “Concha Bullosa is an abnormal pneumatization of the middle turbinate which may interfere with normal ventilation of sinus ostia and can result in recurrent sinusitis.” Yep, that helps-thanks Wikipedia. Oh okay, in the next sentence they dumb it down for us lay people: "Concha bullosa refers to an enlargement or ballooning of the nasal turbinate (which is a normal structure in the nose). Concha bullosa is a normal anatomic variant, but occasionally, a concha bullosa can be very large and contribute to sinus obstruction. In these cases, the concha bullosa can be reduced by surgery."

Part of why I finally got the CT scan, was years of repeated sinusitis/sinus infections.  Here are some "real" medical pictures.  Show offs.

Warning: Not an actual balloon

Oh Maxillary Sinus!  You're so tricky!
Let’s talk dollars and cents, with a lot more of the former than the latter. Since this is a brand new year (thanks 2011 for being so super sweet awesome thus far), it’s a brand new deductible. Last year I was lucky enough to reach my deductible somewhere around December 26. I went pretty crazy those last 5 days. Oh wait, no, I was working. Thanks 2010!! Man, I’m noticing a pattern….

Anyway, so since the hospital is being all “we want to get paid for providing services”-they’re asking for the remaining amount of deductible-up front, 2 days before. I debated writing on check “Please do not cash until February 24, 2018”-but I somehow think the joke would be lost on them. Plus, as we all remember from our Negotiable Instrument class in law school, writing that on a check doesn’t mean they can’t cash it. Damn you lady law!!!

Okay, I got distracted by Section 3 of the Uniform Commercial Code…that happen to anyone else? Yeah, then you are also really cool. So bad news is this is going to cost me some $$$, even better news is that I’m no longer going to be on Cobra at the end of this month, so I will: a) not have health insurance, and b) potentially have complications from the surgery.

This leads me to my (7th?) point, in my true melodramatic fashion, whenever anything slightly risky is going to happen to me, I like to mentally prepare for my untimely death. This involves, in no particular order, (1) flying, (2) surgeries such as this one involving general anesthesia and sharp objects cutting into my face and in the middle of my head, (3) my driving and semi-trucks, (4) flying, (5) downhill skiing, and (6) me and anything that can potentially burn me. This list is not exhaustive, but you get the idea. Basically, I am always prepared for the worst.

And what is the best way to prepare for a potential death or complications than to celebrate LIFE!! So please, join me at a happy hour tomorrow at Karma where they will be having a food and drink special of $10 all you can drink in honor of my surgery. Okay, this special might not be only in honor of me, but also because it’s Tuesday-but whatever, semantics. Please let me know if you need directions, if you are unaware, this was also the location of the extremely successful Team Challenge Fundraiser of 2010. I’m sure when we go in there will be some sort of plaque or memorial, I really hope it’s bedazzled. Oh man, I need to put those pictures up of that bedazzled jar. It’s amazing what happens when my creativity is allowed to roam free, and I get to play with sparkling things.

Okay completely lost my train of thought there. Oh yeah, surgery. This is serious stuff people! Well, I think that’s about it. I think I’m most apprehensive about what it will be like after the surgery. I’ve read stories where people are really fatigued for 2-weeks, heard about the pain, etc. But then I am also excited to think I might be able to breathe (and possibly run??) better. It is with mixed emotions that I contemplate the loss of my snot rockets. While they are really annoying, distracting, and an inconvenience to say the least, especially indoors, I feel like I do them so much that they are integral to my athletic endeavors-my theme of “mud, snot, and tears”---will be missing one of the 3 amigos.

I will be grateful for the money I will save on 3,000 boxes of kleenex, doctor visits, antibiotics, over-the-counter medications, etc. I even tried a Netty-Pot. This is a pot, that you sti c k in your nose and use to flush out your sinuses. The saline goes into one nostril, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril. I should have figured out I have a deviated septum when I tried to do this and got saline all over the sink/down my throat, etc. on one of the sides. But besides that, it worked really well and it looks sexy, so really a win-win.

That is actually about the size of my nose.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Only 361 more dreaded days until Valentine's Day

Yep, this one is timely.

Valentine’s Day. It’s like a swear word to me. Just brings a bad taste to my mouth. But why should I let years of crappy valentine’s day, horrible ex-boyfriends, and society putting pressure on people to express their feelings get in the way of a cheery blog? I clearly won’t. On this “V-Day”, I was given the great news at yet another doctor appointment that I need to have surgery, which I will be having in less than a week(No-not Crohn’s related and more to come on this). Thank you Saint Valentine!

My reaction to anything Valentine's Day-y.
   So let the love shine on. Included in this post are some pictures for you to print out, put up in your cube or on your desk and will make you smile all day long. Or, you could print it out, write a love poem to someone and put it in their desk. No way these pictures can fail-I personally guarantee it.

Don’t worry men, if you’re feeling not so creative right now, don’t worry-I’ve written one for you to give to your special lady! You can select from the pull-down options exactly what your lady friend is like.  But be sure to tell them that their uniqueness and one-of-a-kind being is waht inspired this poem and that no one else in the world could inspire these words but them. The important thing is that you spent the time to write it out and that it is very specific to your one significant other. And as they say, it’s the thought that counts (or as society has told you—it’s how much you spend on them).

 A Valentine's Day Poem

Oh (fill in the name of your loved on here), you are so beautiful,
I love your (short/medium/long) hair, which shines so bright (red/blonde/brown/gray/ blue highlights),
your sun-kissed skin makes me want to scream,
scream to the world how much I (love you/really like you/like you/just met you but want to get some action on Valentine’s day).

No one knows me the way you know me,
I’ve never let anyone know me the way you know me,
no one knows me because I am so sexy mysterious.

I have opened up all my secrets to you though, because you are different. You are special.  You are my favorite.
What? No, I’ve never told that to anyone before! I promise.
No baby, I wouldn’t lie to you. What? That one other time I lied? No, that wasn’t my fault. You didn’t ask me if she gave me her phone number, you only asked if I gave her my phone number. Well I didn’t even really get it… my friend took my phone from me and put it in there himself! What do you mean you don’t believe me??? That sounds totally plausible!! [right?]

Ok (insert name) let’s forget about that because, baby, I’m only into you [for now]
I got this one (rose/daffodil/lily/pink carnation) especially for you. Yes, it’s only one flower, but this flower symbolizes my (love/really like/like/lust) for you.
[If you don’t want it, please give it back to me so that I can give it to someone else, and it will be especially for them.]

I also got you this box of chocolates. I love that you’re not “one of those girls” who doesn’t eat. I really like that you haven’t caved in to peer pressure like those other girls to be so skinny. You are proud to be a woman with curves. Why are you leaving? Wait! Come back!

I ate a couple of the chocolates while I was waiting for you to get ready, but it’s not because I don’t think you’re worth waiting for or think my time is more important than you, it’s because these two chocolates I ate symbolize the first two (years/months/days) I’ve known you that are so good I just had to eat them up!

I wrote this poem for you (insert name) because on Valentine’s Day, it’s the day to really share something from the heart.

I love your laugh, I love your smile, I love the way you brush your teeth.
I love your brains, I love your sass,
I love your personality and your ….face.

Oh baby, this one is for you, don’t ever forget it, and I won’t ever forget you.

Want to makeout now?


Perfect example of how society makes us think “love” and “valentine’s day” are so great. My new addicting song of the moment!

Rhythm of Love

Yet, here is how life really is. It’s Crazy.

Jar of Hearts

And finally, the pictures you've been promised.  The first ones are the cutesy ones that people think they should have, and then after are my reenactments of how life really is.  Take your pick.

I'm a goldfish and I'm so darn happy that I'm burping love bubbles!
Self-explanatory.  FYI- I made those pebbles myself.

But wait....there's more!!!


Here's what a rainbow really looks like; no photoshop here.  I guess I am still stuck on the poop thing-should have put that in the Poop Challenge.  Well it IS a Crohn's blog afterall.  If you can't do a funny poop joke on here, where can you??

As I wrote this, I thought about a million more things that make V-day horrible, but there just isn't time to put them all in.  I will say one final thought.  What is it with those people who sign everything xoxo. Why?

"I’ll call you after work and we can go to the grocery store!!! xoxo"  "I have a geometry exam tomorrow. xoxo."  "I went to the gym after work. xoxoxoxoxo"

First of all, why are you so excited to get groceries?  Weird.  Second, are you going to molest me at the grocery store?  It's a common phrase.  You're overdoing the xoxo and it's fake and freaking me out.  So please, please stop this habit-your aggressive nature scares me and youI am seriously questioning your ability to understand social norms.

That is all I will say for now.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Poop Challenge

I created a Challenge on #googlechrome.  Small hint: The answer to the questions might be in the title.

The more I watch this, the funnier it gets to me.

And what better place to share than on a Crohn's blog.

Hope you like it!

The Poop Challenge

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Super Bowl Follow-Up-The Cute Edition

I know what you’re thinking…what can I possibly do that is more amazing, more heart-pounding, more inspiring than having the Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl?!?!  You’re right-nothing.  But what about combining the enthusiasm and celebration of a Super Bowl win with the undeniable cuteness of puppies and kitten?  Great idea!

This is the puppy bowl and kitten halftime show brought to life right to your computer screen so that you can giggle with joy in the comfort of your own home (or work).  And it really has been far too long since we've had some pure unabashedly precious pictures on here. 

Felix is getting ready to go for a 2-point conversion!

Packers helmet + Cat = A Field Goal in Adorableness!

Puppy Touchdown!
 Okay, that's all I can take for now.  And with that, the football season officially draws to an end.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Packer SUPER BOWL XLV Wallpaper

I will admit-epic failure on Aaron Rodgers' beard-it's actually better than it originally was when it appeared that his helmet had a rash.  Also, those are "dance lines" for BJ Raji's classic touchdown dance.  They scream "hip fluidity".

As the title suggests, this is a Super Bowl XLV Wallpaper. And although I made absolutely no reference to the super bowl in the wallpaper, just take my word for it, it is definitely a super bowl wallpaper.  I guess I could make some reference to it...but I don't know how, and there isn't anymore room because there is already a maximum amount of awesomeness in it and any more might cause your computer screen to explode.
Let's just say that it's a Packer wallpaper, the Super Bowl is tomorrow, and use your right sign of your brain to do the rest.

I wanted to do a Puppy Bowl VII wallpaper, because the puppies are way cuter and they have less steriod abuse (slightly).  I simply ran out of time because as you can tell from the level of detail on this wallpaper, it more than makes up for my 3-week hiatus from blogging.  I'll see what I can do about the puppy bowl wallpaper but I make no promises.

Here is a link to the video of the puppy bowl if for some weird reason you don't know what this is.  My suggestion to all you not so die-hard football fans, when you're at your Super Bowl party and everyone is really into the game, and the score is close, and a vital play is coming up...and that one dude who takes it way too seriously is standing up screaming at the tv..... this is the perfect moment to grab the remote and switch the channel to Puppy Bowl.  Then stand-up and scream "Puppy Bowl!!!"  Really loud and with a lot of enthusiasm.  There is no way this can backfire.  I mean seriously, it's puppies running around playing with plush footballs.  If their hearts don't melt, they probably don't have a soul.

If I didn't sell it already, did I mention there is a kitten halftime and this year they have added hamsters flying a blimp.  I mean seriously.... hamsters flying a blimp?!!  Bravo Animal Planet.  Bravo.

I guess I forgot to mention the obvious fact that this is a Packer themed wallpaper.  For all of my international fans, the Green Bay Packers are a team based in Green Bay, Wisconsin.  Wisconsin is in the middle of the United States.  Yes, there are states between California and New York.  I am from central Wisconsin, went to undergraduate near Green Bay, and like every other Wisconsinite should be (and countless others around the nation), I bleed green and gold (literally).  So this holiday wallpaper is making a blog appearance because in my book, this is a national holiday and it deserves its proper respect.  And that respect shall be shown through my wallapper.

So show some Packer pride and cheer on the Green and Gold tomorrow.  And let your computer get in the spirit by giving it a little somethin' somethin' to wear too (hint-this wallpaper).

As the saying goes, Go Pack Go!!

P.S. Steeler fans, I'd like to see you try watching the game without eating any cheese or drinking any beer.  Boom.

P.P.S.  I forget which team we beat to get to the Super Bowl?  Double Boom.

Update:  I updated the wallpaper to change the end zone to a darker green (and fired my football field consultant).  Because I am nothing if not dedicated to attention to detail and drawing to scale.