Sunday, January 11, 2015

Being "overwhelmed"

What to say when your mind is a rambling mess.

I've been thinking if only there was some forum where I could take this jumbled up tumble of yarn in my brain and make sense of it. Oh wait! I have something for that! The best part is, I don't need to edit and make it pretty. I can just throw all of my crap onto here and if you read it, that's your problem.

My brain; a self-portrait.

The other reason why I'm finally doing this is simple: procrastination. I have literally a gazillion trillion really really...necessary things I need to do, like solidify healthcare coverage, get a job, find a place to live, etc. So the best way to procrastinate is to write babbling nonsense and draw pictures.

Thoughts and decisions like this make me question how many people on a regular basis call me a "role model"; I'm going to guess not enough.

In conclusion, what I'm writing about is that feeling we call "overwhelmed". I put it in air quotes because "literally" every single word is better with "air quotes".


Fact proven.

The way I've been dealing with this feeling of being "overwhelmed" is (in no particular order): 1: procrastination, 2: wine, 3: distractions, 4: exercise...(sometimes), 5: food (more often), and 6: just general freaking outery.

A more rational side of me says it might be better to just take things one thing at a time. The problem with this approach, albeit it logical, is when you do one thing, about 8 million more things pop up on your to-do list.

Oh don't get me started on to-do lists. I looooove me some to-do lists. Oh I got distracted again.

So I'll give you  an example of what I like to call a "Life F*ck You". I just made that up. I don't really call them that, but now I will.

I have spent approximately 6,843 hours on hold with insurance or the people trying to figure out how to get insurance in the very probable case I get severely injured while attempting to cook something with more than 2 ingredients. Am 83% sure I will ironically die while waiting on hold with the health insurance companies.

Pretty much nailed the eybrows on this. #humblebrag

Back to the example, once you finally get signed up with insurance, you need to "send in proof" of something...what is that something? I DON'T KNOW because when I finally get all set up and click on the link that says what proof I need to send in...the link doesn't work. This is about when I start banging my head on the table.

Why isn't there a g-d map?!

I really really think it's some science experiment where they keep put out a piece of cheese right behind a wall, you tear through the wall after hard work and patience, and as you're about to grab the cheese (which isn't even cheese! It's me paying money for something boring like insurance!), a new glass wall just shoots up through the ground with a big F*CK YOU! written on it.

I know what you're thinking, can't you just go around the door? NO YOU CAN'T. so shut it.
But I might just be cynical. But I'm not, they're just fucking with me. I saw Lost, I know what's going on here. Also, if I got cheese after getting health insurance, I think it would be better. If I got cheese after completing every menial life task, I think it would all be better. Moral found, the end.

And you thought I wasn't romantic.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Puppies in Halloween Costumes

In light of my last super depressing post, I was thinking we should brighten things up around here. And if there is one thing that I know can make any one's day better, it's dogs in Halloween costumes.

If you don't think this is adorable, you need to go to a doctor, because you are sick.

Case in point:

This is a pug. In a darth vader costume. A PUG IN A DARTH VADER COSTUME!!! I am already getting too excited for this. It's also hilarious because pugs are notoriously loud breathers. Do you know who else is? DARTH MOTHER F*CKING VADER!!!

Okay, this is only going to get worse, so get ready to DIE from ADORABLENESS!!

E.T. Phone Hoooome

That dog looks freaked out. It's so awesome.

Yes, I like pugs. And yes, that is a pug dressed as Christian Bale. The only thing that could have made this costume better? If he was dressed as Christian Bale as a Newsie!!

This one is either Tracy Jordan as The Ladies man, or my dad in his wedding picture (side fro).

This is the cutest damn thing in the world. Period. I'd like to do a Rictuesempra spell on this one!

You know how girls get at Halloween, I call this one slutty, oops, I mean "Sexy" Sailor!

These dogs are dressed up as the twins in the Shining. If you enter, you win a visit from Johnny.
Sexy sailor #2. See girls, you do have options. Don't be cornered into just one type of slutty outfit. Also, the over the shoulder look always works.


It's Scuba Steve! How is he going to swim with those adorable little flippers on his paws?!?!

You know how there's always at least one person who is too cool to wear a Halloween costume? This is that guy. Notice how he's not looking over the shoulder so he's so cool he's not even trying to be sexy.

That guy is lame. WEAR A COSTUME!

This puppy isn't adorable. This puppy is suffering from clinical depression. All jokes aside, puppy depressino is a serious issue that affects 1 out of every  9,837 puppies. Do you think your puppy is depressed? Call 1-800-puppy-eyes to get help now.

Happy Halloween my meatballs!

Monday, October 29, 2012

I'm hurty

I don't know what else to say. The title kind of sums it up. Below is a self-portrait. The dark blue is all the hurty and it's almost completely taken me over. Like I'm about to drown. I don't know how it will affect my blogging, but I just felt like I should say it.

It's why I don't respond to texts or tweets. Why I depress the crap of my twitter followers (I am thinking I am going to stay off twitter for a while). Why I only talked to one person last weekend on my favorite holiday, and I don't think he even wanted to talk to me. Why I cleaned my apartment for 3 hours on Sunday. And I suppose as an explanation for my future actions.

I just wanted to basically tell you how I am feeling because I felt like I should.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Halloween Spooktacular Wallpaper 2012

It has been quite some time since I last posted. 10 months? 7 years? Who knows? Well, I guess you could check my last post date but that would be way too obvious.

Bottom line-I suck. I have let all 11 of my followers down and the few random people who try to do legitimate google searches and end up here. To you, I apologize.

To the few that have gone here during the last 10 months-7 years looking for new material, I do not apologize. Go get a job! Oh, you do have one and that saying doesn't apply? Never mind.

Okay, I've gotten way off track. As usual. Already. So a lot has happened in the last 10 months but now is not the time for that.

Now is the time you have been waiting a looong and frightful time for. IT'S HALLOWEEN WALLPAPER TIME!


What you are about to see will most likely kill you with fright. You should probably save it to your computer background before looking at it because you when you are dead, you're going to want a pretty sweet background.

But seriously, I've clearly upped my pedigree. You will notice I can now draw TWO different types of bats AND I added a skeleton. What art class have I been going to for the last 7 months to 10 years to draw such impressive Halloween drawings? None!!!!!! Self-taught biatches.

Happy Halloween my squirrels; I hope yours doesn't suck.


Monday, January 16, 2012

MLK Day Wallpaper

It's that time of year again. Time for a federal holiday. And how can you properly express your support of this holiday? With a timely wallpaper. And by timely, I mean the morning of the holiday (because you know you all googled MLK day this morning (unless you didn't)). Parenthesis within the parenthesis. So many layers.

A true piece of art needs no explanation so let me explain this background. I intentionally made the background white with black writing to show the contrast and the segregation that MLK was so passionate to abolish. However, when I tried to draw some white birds within the black birds, they got lost in the background so that part was sort of lost...

My backgrounds are in part limited by the program I have to work with. I thought a portrait drawn by me of Martin Luther King, Jr. could unintentionally be construed as negative. I in no way intend or mean to be offensive so if you're offended just pretend you're not, go see a professional for whatever issues you have, and don't use the wallpaper.

I received this quote on all things from Runner's World but have been saving it for this occasion. "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Yes,, I'm a woman

I saw someone post this on facebook:

 Yes, I'm a woman. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it's really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don't care about me. I try to do things before the microwave beeps. I listen to you even when you don't listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I'm a woman! Re-post if you're proud to be one, come on ladies!.....and make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times...they can be color coordinated with any outfit.”

Apparently I’m not a woman.This post: a) made me want to throw up, b) insulted me, c) made me laugh, and d)  really REALLY tried my restraint to not re-post a new version.
That willpower is gone. Here is my version of that post.
Good try little girl, you got some of them in the right order! Now give up on education and just learn to microwave things and have babies.

"Yes, I'm a woman. When a sign says Push, I push it because I can READ. I laugh at funny shit like most men and women with a sense of humor do. When I walk into a room, I don't forget why because I do not yet have Alzheimer's (which is not a female only disease). Instead, I push over old people and yell "You've just been toughmuddered!" I don't count on my fingers in math because math was my favorite subject and saying that women are bad at math is a horrible stereotype that is crushing girls everywhere. I don't hide pain; I distribute pain.
Seriously, say it's a long story when it's not? I don't even get this one.
I have the inability to cry, I think it's because I'm part robot and it would rust my parts. I don't try and do things before the microwave beeps because I can't cook (and if you're keeping track at home, that's also a stereotype). I don't listen; I pretend to listen to you while I'm really doing math algorithms in my head. Okay, a hug does usually help unless the you're just trying to get a feel, in which case I will SLAP you. I also agree with this one: make sure you have a pocket knife on you at all times. You need to be ready to fight at any moment. However, I don't think a criminal is really going to care or stop trying to mug and/or rape you if your knife coordinates with your outfit. I'd get a red matches the blood I will draw if you try anything."
Yes, I'm a woman!
This was the closest picture I could find to a guy kicking a guy in the groin. Aim a little lower ladies.

Friday, September 30, 2011

So you say I'm being melodramatic? Also, I'm not dead

I maybe should have posted this earlier to wane some of the concern from my multitude of followers (hi you 10!-oooh eleven, looks like somebody just hit the big time!). Luckily no one put out a missing person on me and the world seems to have kept on turning. I appreciate you being strong during your time of possible grieving.

I know some of my dear friends were concerned for my life following my last post.  Some people may say my post about the Tough Mudder was a bit dramatic. Those same people may also say I'm dramatic about other things in my life. And to those people...I would say you're absolutely 100% correct.  I say drama is funny and it lets me vent. Plus if I don't die, you also get the enjoyment of watching me freak out. It's a win-win. On the other hand, if I do die, at least I went out with a bang! (And I gave you a heads up).

On a side note, I didn't die in Tough Mudder. In fact, I had a pretty good time and some might say...I dominated it. And by dominating, I mean finishing. I was a bit taken aback when I saw my pictures from Tough Mudder and I realized I was smiling in all of them. I was seriously unaware my face was doing that and it makes me question....everything.

Here is some proof. 'Cause you know I don't lie.
This was me getting out of a freezing cold carcinogenic ice bath. It was blue.

10,000 volts of electricity were in some of the wires; I was shocked. What is wrong with me? Masochist? Probably.
I am doing a 10-mile run that thousands of other people are doing and aren't complaining about? That would be correct.

I'm flying on a plane for a 2 hour flight which an average of TWO MILLION people do DAILY seemingly without handing out living wills to everyone they meet and I'm writing my gravestone? Correct.

This is how my week before a trip looks:
Monday: Lunch with friend-let them know they can have my tv and tv stand if I die. Friend says tv and tv stand suck. I say I hate you and you're no longer invited to my funeral (side note: tv and tv stand are in fact crap).
Tuesday: Do laundry and attempt to frantically clean because when my parents and the local TV crew come to collect my stuff, I don't want all my embarrassing stuff out.
Wednesday: Send out emails to everyone telling them how much they have meant to me and how much I love them. Drink many glasses of wine.
Thursday: Attempt to drink myself into oblivion so that I won't be conscious (or at least be hungover) when the time comes. "Oh thank God I'm plummeting to my death, finally this headache will end."
Friday: Frantically tweet, facebook update, and document the remaining moments of my life. In case I die, I want my last words on earth to be: "Look at me holding this lobster pen!" In your face Caesar.

...2 hour flight later we land safely. What? I wasn't even worried. *Rescind emotional emails.*

I am impressed with people who can do what I would call "normal/everyday" things and not act like the world is going to end. One, it's probably less burdensome to those around them, and two, they probably have lower blood pressure.

Here is an allegedly true story from my recent flight home (I was technicaly there but don't remember it so I can neither confirm nor deny these clearly fabricated facts).

I may have had a "mixed cocktail" to help ease the anxiety. Side note: there are a lot of slang words for cocaine. I mean a lot. I was trying to find the word that means you mix alcohol and prescription drugs, Recipe? I did have a legit prescription. Oh this is getting bad. Don't try this at home kids. I'm probably getting on a lot of federal governments lists due to my research for this post. But I know how my readers rely on my due diligence.

Back to the plane ride. If you've seen Bridesmaids when Kristin Wiig gets a little loosey on the plane, I guess I was like that. Apparently I was being too "loud and obnoxious" for my travel buddy. Let's give me a generic everyday alias like "Bob". Are you going to tell me trying to clamp someone's nipples with a lobster pen is obnoxious? I don't think so. That's pure comedy.

So if you know me at all, when someone tells me to quiet down...I do exactly the opposite. So I allegedly got louder and then noticed the man across the seat looking at us. In order to ease the tension of this volatile situation, I alllegedly told this gentleman that everything is okay, Bob is just on his period. Then I passed out.

Who is the fun one to fly with? It's me! It's me!

So in conclusion, yes, I can be dramatic. I can also be shy and very quiet. But I really enjoy letting the dramatic part out sometimes, and it's actually much easier in print than in person. LOOK! I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND USING EXCLAMATION MARKS! Okay, sorry, that's really annoying. If you write in all caps.......stop it. STOP IT NOW!

I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, I can be dramatic. I wanted to be an actress when I was a kid but my mom told me that all actresses were whores. It turns out she's right, but then again I know a lot of whores who aren't doing what they love and getting paid boat loads of money for it, so pros and cons I guess.

For now, I'll just stick to dramatic blogging and wait to see what the future will bring.

*And scene*

Friday, July 22, 2011

Tough Mudder

Tomorrow might just be the day I die.

I'm not flying anywhere (I wish), but I might die a voluntarily/ I paid-for-it torturous death. Tomorrow, at Devil's Head Resort, Wisconsin, I will be participating in the Wisconsin Tough Mudder.

What is Tough Mudder? It was a stupid malicious idea spurred from the mind of some British special forces. It's around a 10 mile (but they don't tell you the exact length) obstacle course. With the word "mud" in the title, I pictured a fun mud run where you have to crawl through a few mud pits, climb over a couple of logs and call yourself hard core. Nope, these f*ckers are serious. This involves really steep climbs, crawling through small pipes and sand, running through fire and even electricity!

10 miles, 28 military obstacles. Twenty-freakin' eight. Really? Why stop there? Make it an even 30. Maybe the last two are when my lungs both burst.

If you live in the Midwest, you may have noticed this thing they call a "heatwave" that has been bringing me, and my non-air conditioned apartment to enjoy what I like to call "the worst f*cking week of my life." When people say, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, they're right. The humidity is much worse, however, in this case it's the heat and the damn humidity!

Now you want me to run an impossible death run tomorrow? No thanks. They were nice enough to send us an email this past week letting us know that there is a heat advisory so we should "be well hydrated". Guess what TM-there's only so many liquids I can drink that are going to help me get over a series of 12 foot high Berlin walls. A series? Overrated-I want a "sery", or none at all for that matter. I'm 5'4, how am I going to physically get myself over a 12 foot wall?

My training didn't go quite as planned. I haven't lost 30 pounds, gained 10 pounds of upper body muscle, nor earned the right to complete the Tough Mudder without a baggy t-shirt on. Instead, my plan was to hide the "extra love" in a sweatshirt and snowpants. While I do think this will confuse people as to my actual weight, I am slightly concerned with the effect on my performance. Although the effect will probably be minimal because there's no getting around the fact that no matter what I'm wearing, the result will be: "Oh my god, this is so horrible, I want to die..." On a more positive note, I have decided to do this while wearing my Team Challenge singlet! Since I've pretty much lived in that thing lately, I figured I may as well go out the same way.

Which brings me back to my original point, I might die. I have already started to think out and picture the numerous ways I could kick-the-bucket while doing this race. 1.) Heat exhaustion, 2.) falling off a freakin' 12 foot Berlin wall, 3.) drowning, 4.) Getting SHOCKED by 10,000 volts!! Oh yeah, that's going to happen.

Below is the course map of the run. I get tired just looking at the pictures. Okay, I couldn't download the most up-to-date obstacles, but a lot of these, including the route, are the same.

Listed in no particular order, here are the obstacles I am most afraid of and/or preparing to epically fail at:

1.) Death March-okay, I'm not really scared of this. I'm sure it will suck and I will be tired, but I damn well better make it up that ski mountain. I just had to include it because it's called Death March! Oh the college memories...

2.) Greased up monkey bars. I can't even do these when they're not all buttered up so I'll be for sure wiping it on this one.

3.) Crawling under 8 inches of barbed wire. My womanly curves ain't fitting in 8 inches, so we'll see what happens there. Can't wait...

4.) The 2 different series of Berlin Walls.

5.) Ball Shrinker. What the hell is that thing anyway? I think it made my balls shrink right off just thinking about it.

6.) The half pike. I can just picture me gaining momentum, sprinting towards the top of the half pike, only to slip or be too weak and fall rolling back in front of all the people watching.

7.) 10,000 volts. Now that can't be good for my uterus.

8.) The "mystery obstacle"-at what looks like around mile 8 or 9. "Expect Something Truly Bad Ass"-TM says. My only guess is that at this point they stab you in the stomach and you try to make it to the finish line before you bleed out.

Here's to life, and getting muddy!

Tough Mudder's version of Walk the Plank

My version of what walking the plank is (drawn to my scale).
 Update: I have now received another email and text message from TM. The good news is they once again stressed that I should hydrate as it will be very hot. Well, I was going to ignore the first email but now that you sent it again, I think I'll have a glass of water. Shoot, that glass of water didn't help me develop 5 months worth of upper-body strength training.

The other point of topic is that there is a "high chance of lighting". Awesome. I wanted to bring my plastic sword from when we were pirates in the Ragnar Relay to fight off the lighting, but people are telling me that's a bad idea.
So instead I will add it to the list: 9.) Get hit by lighting.

Bring it Tough Mudder.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

(P)oops, I did it again

I'm raising money and running the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in Las Vegas on Decmeber 4, 2011 for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) again! Because when I think of charity, I think of Las Vegas.

My goal is to double what I raised last year! So do yourself a favor and just donate already. It will give you warm fuzzies in your heart (the good kind, not the kind where you have to go to a doctor). And if you don't donate, I will hunt you down and beat you up and take your lunch money.

If you want to be inspired, here is the national video where they recap the Las Vegas and Napa half marathons. Somehow my extreme enthusiasm made the video, perhaps because IT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. Look for my national debut at the 44 second mark, and then cheering with Team Wisconsin at 1:14 and 1:53.

So try and stay calm for a few minutes while you go to my fundraising page and donate...then after that, by all means.....GO FREAKIN' CRAZY! It is Vegas after all!

As a special incentive and to kick things off there is a special prize for the top contributor in the first week.  Whoever (or whomever) donates the highest cumulative amount in the first week will get a home cooked meal prepared by me!  To let you know exactly the caliber we're talking here is a small sampling (okay it's pretty much an exhausive list) of some meals I have prepared.

Nadia's menu: Macaroni and cheese. Yes, from the box, specialty (when in season-Spongebob and Cars), tacos, spaghettic, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, probably almost any sandwich you want actually, vegetables (made in a microwave!), and many more (...not really). I will also accept requests, but I make absoltely no guarantees as to the accuracy or quality of what you ask for except the guarantee that it will  blow your mind!

*Drinks also included, you lucky thing you!

I taste yummy and make you smart!
Warning: A chance of fire and/or getting burned is extremely likely. Try to wear clothes and hair product that is not easily flammable. If you bring a fire extinguisher, I will in no way be offended.

What are you waiting for? Go donate already!!

Deadline is THIS FRIDAY!!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

National Poetry Month

As many of you know, April is National Poetry Month (please ignore the fact that technically it's May).

As an artist of not only the canvas (i.e. computer screen) but also the written word, I have decided to engage in some “festive poetry”. As some of you may remember from my law school finals breakdown, I tend to dabble in the art of haikuism. Hmm, apparently my spellcheck doesn’t think haikuism is a word. I guess the programmers have not mastered my same level of vocabulary. The “man” is always trying to confine me-not let my creativity reign. Case in point, my spellcheck also tells me dranks isn’t a word. How is that not a word? “Let’s go get some dranks!” There, I used it in a sentence.

Back to poetry. Some people like to write about landscapes-rushing water, streaming waterfalls… hang on, I have to run to the restroom. True story. Okay I’m back. I have a very small bladder. I’m not sure if this true as when I was getting an ultrasound during my pre-Crohn’s/what the f-is wrong with me stage, I was too embarrassed to ask the ultrasound tech about the size of my bladder. Now I really wish I had. I once told the spouse of one of my co-workers that I have a small bladder the second I met her. I was on my way to the bathroom and this seemed like a good ice breaker. Based on the look on her face and the fact that when I got back from the restroom everyone knew about my small bladder, I learned I’m not as good at cocktail parties as I originally thought.

Okay, really back to poetry. Some poets like to write about the agony in life-“oh this boy I liked didn’t pick me for dodgeball, MY LIFE IS OVER! Why does everyone hate me so much?!” Why so negative? Why so dramatic? Oh wait, that does sound like me….only substitute that sentence for everything--well come on, negative can be funny. Also, it might have tipped you off that I like to write about the agony in life when my blog is called having a bad crohn’s day…I like to keep you guessing.

However, the art of the Haiku is right up my alley. Concise, simple, beautiful. Just the way I think the written word should be (please disregard all previous rambling posts).

This is me in my writing habitat. The beret helps the creativity flow.
Here is a small sampling of my Crohn’s related haikus-some of them are very deep and are on a lot of different levels, so get your expectations way up. It’s like Basho Matsuo-but more modern and about Crohn’s. Hope you like-you might notice a very mature theme. And Happy Poetry Month!

poop poop poop poop poop
this is poop haiku

Some festive poetry-get into that holiday spirit!

easter bunnies poop
a big golden egg o’ fun
for kids to open

Back to reality...

the people poop too
but kids should please beware
no prize for you there

This one is for my Crohnie's and my UC'ers!

how crohnies can poop
the inflamed small intestines
can cause quite a stir!

i wrote this today
cause having a bad crohn’s day
mustn’t be all bad

In all seriousness...

express yourself now
all the world can judge away
words can set you free