I'm not flying anywhere (I wish), but I might die a voluntarily/ I paid-for-it torturous death. Tomorrow, at Devil's Head Resort, Wisconsin, I will be participating in the Wisconsin Tough Mudder.
10 miles, 28 military obstacles. Twenty-freakin' eight. Really? Why stop there? Make it an even 30. Maybe the last two are when my lungs both burst.
If you live in the Midwest, you may have noticed this thing they call a "heatwave" that has been bringing me, and my non-air conditioned apartment to enjoy what I like to call "the worst f*cking week of my life." When people say, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, they're right. The humidity is much worse, however, in this case it's the heat and the damn humidity!
Now you want me to run an impossible death run tomorrow? No thanks. They were nice enough to send us an email this past week letting us know that there is a heat advisory so we should "be well hydrated". Guess what TM-there's only so many liquids I can drink that are going to help me get over a series of 12 foot high Berlin walls. A series? Overrated-I want a "sery", or none at all for that matter. I'm 5'4, how am I going to physically get myself over a 12 foot wall?
Which brings me back to my original point, I might die. I have already started to think out and picture the numerous ways I could kick-the-bucket while doing this race. 1.) Heat exhaustion, 2.) falling off a freakin' 12 foot Berlin wall, 3.) drowning, 4.) Getting SHOCKED by 10,000 volts!! Oh yeah, that's going to happen.
Below is the course map of the run. I get tired just looking at the pictures. Okay, I couldn't download the most up-to-date obstacles, but a lot of these, including the route, are the same.
1.) Death March-okay, I'm not really scared of this. I'm sure it will suck and I will be tired, but I damn well better make it up that ski mountain. I just had to include it because it's called Death March! Oh the college memories...
2.) Greased up monkey bars. I can't even do these when they're not all buttered up so I'll be for sure wiping it on this one.
3.) Crawling under 8 inches of barbed wire. My womanly curves ain't fitting in 8 inches, so we'll see what happens there. Can't wait...
4.) The 2 different series of Berlin Walls.
5.) Ball Shrinker. What the hell is that thing anyway? I think it made my balls shrink right off just thinking about it.
6.) The half pike. I can just picture me gaining momentum, sprinting towards the top of the half pike, only to slip or be too weak and fall rolling back in front of all the people watching.
7.) 10,000 volts. Now that can't be good for my uterus.
8.) The "mystery obstacle"-at what looks like around mile 8 or 9. "Expect Something Truly Bad Ass"-TM says. My only guess is that at this point they stab you in the stomach and you try to make it to the finish line before you bleed out.
Here's to life, and getting muddy!
|Tough Mudder's version of Walk the Plank|
|My version of what walking the plank is (drawn to my scale).|
The other point of topic is that there is a "high chance of lighting". Awesome. I wanted to bring my plastic sword from when we were pirates in the Ragnar Relay to fight off the lighting, but people are telling me that's a bad idea.
So instead I will add it to the list: 9.) Get hit by lighting.
Bring it Tough Mudder.