Thursday, October 28, 2010

Halloween Wallpaper

Due to requests for me to post of my original drawings (and if you're wondering which ones are the original drawings just look through all my posts and find the most awesome pictures you have ever seen....and that is them), I have drawn for your viewing pleasure and use, a Halloween background.

Feel free to download this and use as your wallpaper to impress your co-workers and friends.

You will see that I very clearly and concisely signed this drawing in the bottom right-hand drawer so you can scratch that idea of selling this on the black market for millions.


 Update: I have increased the size to make this easier for you to download.  also...if you take my picture and write your name over it...THAT IS STILL STEALING! And I will hunt you down and steal back my creative art work.

Update #2: While I debated labeling my artwork, I realized that it was even harder to write (see for example my name).  Those are not, if you wondering, seagulls.  Those are bats.  Also, yes the ghost is mildy depressed and the pumpkin is schizophrenic.  But I'm sure you could tell by the depth of character I put into them.

UPDATE 3#:  Oh my god you people are awesome!!  I was "tagged" in a photo on facebook and clicked on the link unsuspectingly.  Up comes this:

After all the people that told me my artwork would never be accepted by the public, by all the haters who said the picture is too small....well TAKE THAT WORLD!!!  I also got notices that my artwork was on computer backgrounds in other states around the world.  This day was the proudest so far...thanks SO MUCH for taking the time to read my unedited ramblings and to share it with the world.  I honestly didn't think a single person would actually use the picture, but it made my day and more.  So thanks!  And hope you got some joy out of it too!

Halloween 2010

This is me being super scary last year.

I used to be really into Halloween.  It was my favorite holiday.  I loved the idea of dressing up and being someone different for the day. And despite the excuse for women everywhere to take the opportunity to dress like whores, I still liked expressing myself via a more conservative t-shirt. But for some reason I’m just not into it this year. Although there are a lot of parties going on, I’m just not feeling very festive.

I do want to make sure I pay my rent by the end of the month…so I guess that is sort of a trick or treat. Treat = I will have someplace to live next month. Trick = oops, late fee or eviction!

When I had a puppy, I bought him like 3 Halloween costumes. There is nothing like seeing a tortured cute little thing dressed up as a carrot or something. For some reason (well actually I know the reason), I have really been obsessed with pirates lately so I think I would dress up my puppy as a pirate. I wonder if it would really mess up their depth perception or ability to walk if one eye was covered up.

Spongebob Loves Halloween! (Mostly becauses he loves everything) Arrrrgh!!

I am not sure if this is cruel or amusing, but I think it would be funny.

Look at the joy on their faces!

So I hope you enjoy your Halloween and have a grand time!! Or a frightful time! Or just a normal time…either way I hope you spend it with people you care about and you get more treats than tricks.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wacky Wednesday!

So as I stated last week (my how time flies when you’re so darn happy!), I have decided to put a weekly uplifting post on here just to keep the morale up. I am going to post these on Wednesdays so you have that extra little something-something to push you over the hump. I can’t make any promises that it will be every Wednesday because as you might have noticed, it wasn’t on Wednesday last week and I really have no idea what will happen in the future or how often my ramblings will gush out of me. But I am definitely, for sure, going to do them on Wednesdays-so make sure you check back then.*

*They might not be on Wednesdays, or weekly, or at all, or I might do 5 in one day if I accidentally eat some Shrooms. Just kidding, I’ve never done Shrooms and most likely never will, but if so, I probably won’t be able to figure out how to post anything on here anyway so you’re probably safe just checking it out on Wednesdays. Although it might not be on Wednesdays.

So get mentally prepared to pop some Happy Balloons!!!

This week Felix met some chicks

I think this might be a dancing fish with an orange celery stick.......but it looks they're having fun!

This says it all. Are you ready?

And we're partying!!!

I did a google search for "party" and this came up.  Although I was thoroughly confused, I have come to the realization that these are party bananas.

Oh Mr.'re so magical

Elevator Etiquette-Ladies First

I have been holding this in for so long and it is time to make an announcement to the world (or the two people that read this, whichever is larger). MEN-Do NOT hold the elevator door open (oh you’re so strong!) to allow a woman to get in or out of the elevator first before the men.

While I know I do not have the best etiquette in the world, I’d classify myself as somewhere above Eliza Doolittle (or at least I know when I’m doing something wrong). So while I am by no means an expert, I have reached out to experts for some clarification on this very specific issue.

I have gone to several etiquette classes and lunches and finally one time I was brave enough to ask this question. This question had long been building up inside of me because I hate, yes hate it, when men stand outside the elevator in a big group and wait for the woman to go in.

So, it turns out, and this was verified by an etiquette expert, that there is absolutely no basis or legitimate reason why men do this and it is NOT considered good etiquette. I asked if this was just an old custom that is still carried on by some people and am I overacting to what is really some meaningful custom? Nope. The EXPERT stated that back in the day (and I’m slanging this up-she had much better prose) that women were not in the workplace. And since elevators are a more recent invention than women, there is no foundation for this manner of acting.

My theory is that pervy men just came up with this as a way to make the one woman feel self-conscious and different. And while she didn’t say it in those words, I saw a knowing look.

I used to work for a law firm that had a clientele of a lot of older, more conservative gentlemen. Please note that I am using them as the scapegoat for all men everywhere, because it is not just them that did this. This is where I used to realize that this was a common occurrence and every single time it happened I got more and more frustrated. I thought after moving out of the northwoods this backwards sexism was a thing of the past, and it actually did go away. Until yesterday.

Yesterday began like any other morning. I was walking to the elevators behind three very slow-moving gentlemen. One of them hit the button to call the elevator, the elevators doors open, and …as if in slow motion…they all part to the side and look at me. I really wanted to loudly proclaim: “What the hell are you looking at? Get in the damn elevator!” However, my stupid MANNERS forced my feet forward onto the elevator. I did manage to roll my eyes and mutter something under my breath but I think these were wasted efforts as no one noticed. They were probably too busy either patting themselves on the back for what gentlemen they were being, or looking at my ass…or probably both.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! All the previous times this happened to me came flashing back in a whirlwind of emotions. I thought all of the frustration and aggravation was locked away forever, but the fake smiles, the internal anger, and the uncomfortable moments…these all came rushing back to the surface.

So now there are three guys and myself in the elevator and they hit the same floor I’m going to. Oh great, I thought—going to have to do this again. And while I was debating if it would be too obvious if I dropped down and crawled behind them to sit in the corner of the elevator to make them go out first, two more men jumped onto the elevator. “I’ve been saved!” I thought. The dynamics have changed! And then new guys hit a higher floor. Oh-oh…now it’s all messed up. New guys were in the front of the elevator obviously and one of them was a big guy, but us original 4 (the 3 sexist guys and myself) were all going to have to get out first. At least, I thought,…no one would be looking at my ass.

We get to my floor and the big guy steps out of the elevator, his friend freaks out because he thinks he has lost him “No Bob! We’re up another floor---don’t leave me!” This was a little awkward in itself seeing one grown man so desperately sad to be more than two feet away from another grown man. But I personally think Bob was just smart enough to realize that 4 people couldn’t walk through him if he was substantially taking up the elevator door.

So Big Bob goes out, and sure enough, one of the three guys (I’m pretty sure the instigator from down below), holds open the damn door and looks at me expectedly. At this point, I am in the farthest right back corner of the elevator. This makes absolutely no sense for me to go out first.

I avoid eye contact because I am afraid of what I might yell and walk out pulling down my sweater.
So ladies the moral of this story is that if a man tries to make you walk in or out of an elevator first while the men stand in a big circle to watch, feel free to yell “You can’t bring us women down!!” and then shove one of the men out first.

Spread the word.

Update: I was wondering if other people felt the same way and decided to do some research.  It turns out, surprisingly, that people will say just about anything on the internet (case in point).  They were not all as lucky as I to have discussed with an actual Etiquette Expert, but many women agree that it makes things very awkward.  And since there is NO PURPOSE for it, it makes no sense.  I guess the practical logical side in me is what really causes me to have a problem with this.  If you are closest to the door, walk in or walk out.  It's not rocket science.

Some interesting comments from the forum called "Ladies First":

11.Britney Says:

January 23rd, 2006 at 12:11 pm

I have to say that I HATE the ladies first rule.

Sure, it is a nice thing for a gentleman to offer, but as a lady it is often awkward.

In my building, I am often in an elevator with maybe 10 men and one other lady. I work on one of the top floors, so I am often at the back of the elevator when it reaches the ground.

There is always a very awkward moment when the doors open, as the men have to wait for me to manouver around them to exit. I feel like I have wasted everyone’s time!

12.Elevador Says:

January 23rd, 2006 at 11:11 pm

What are women doing in a place of business anyway? That’s silly, you should be home caring for the family.
[*Please note-this is exactly why I get angry and want to yell at people in elevators]

13.allbizlady Says:

January 27th, 2006 at 11:46 am

I agree with Britney.

Ladies exit first sounds like an elevator rule of the 1950′s, when many fewer women rode elevators to office jobs every day.

My gorgeous, gallant husband agrees with the rule, but I say come on gents, this is 2006. Besides, an elevator isn’t the Titanic.

I live in NYC and every working woman I know agrees — if we are in our

$2,000 business suits and killer heels standing in an elevator filled with hardworking people waiting for their floor in a high rise office tower, whoever is getting out at a particular floor just STEP OUT when the doors open, PLEASE.

Gender makes no difference in some things, and riding an elevator is just one of those things.

We don’t have time to scramble around you. It’s awkward, inefficient, time-consuming and silly.

Right on sista!  And now it's 2010!!!! Why is this horrible tradition continuing?  Stop the madness!!  Get out of the damn elevator!

Fundraising Event Update

So I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the guest bartending event at AJ Bombers is probably not going to happen. I guess there were some issues with the date and we were working towards a new one and then… nothing? I tried emailing again to confirm a date and haven’t heard back so I am assuming this event won’t be happening. While I am disappointed to lose this opportunity, I guess this was not the venue for me, so…onwards and upwards!

I am currently in exciting negotiations for an event at the Hi-Hat Lounge!! Working with them has been fantastic so far because of their quick response time and willingness to help me out. I mean come on….it’s for charity!

If you’ve been meaning to donate but forgot the website, here it is again! I will update you on the details of the event “Drink for Crohn’s”, but in the meantime-check out my fundraising page or pass it on to someone you think might be interested!

Friday, October 22, 2010


I have received some constructive criticism (by one of the few people that reads this-hi!), that some of my posts are too negative and self-depreciating. I have been informed by another one of my friends (hi!) that this blog very accurately portrays my personality. Well….A+B=C.

However, in order to accommodate the broad spectrum of my mass audience, I have decided to take into consideration this request and decided bring a little bit more joy into this page. Also, to explain, I think of myself as saying really mean things, but with a smile! I’d like to put in a lot more visuals on the page…but I’m just not technically inclined. I am working on it. So what I’m saying is…it’s supposed to be ironic.

Having said that, here is some pure happiness and joy for your viewing pleasure. Try not to burst with happiness!! There might be a weekly Happiness post just to keep the dark thoughts at bay.

I will call him Felix.

You said it!
Make a Wish!

Are you happy yet????

Thursday, October 21, 2010


If this guy had a time machine, he would have thx in his signature line.  His name would also be J$.
I admit I’m a horrible texter, and I’ll get into my T9 deficiencies another time (something to look forward to!!!!), but while I understand the reason to shorten words if you’re texting, why do so in a work email?

Some individuals where I work have “Thx” in their signature line. Seriously dude, you created a signature to go out with every email you write, every WORK email, and you decided the extra two seconds it was going to take you to write Thank You or Thanks instead of Thx was worth the loss in professionalism? I mean it’s a signature so you only have to write it one time and then it is always there. It’s even better when it’s not capitalized “thx”…yep, good call on saving the time it would have taken to capitalize that T.

I decided that when I get an email from those individuals, I am going to write back in back. Something like:

Dear Work Guy:

Wtf? “thx”, really? Ur email was so gr8t, but iwill get 2that wrk l8r, maybe 2moro, b/c I’z buzay doing notha!!

thx (lmao!!!),

It’s going really well so far; they don’t email me anymore.

Update: Completely true and fantastic timing! I was just informed that my friend received a work email from someone (for the sake of protecting his privacy let’s say his first name is “John”) and his last name is Money. You will never guess… okay I’ll tell you. He signs his work emails J$. Awesome. J$, you just made my day. And congratulations!! You just won the first DB award on my blog!!! Your congratulatory e-mail is on its way.


-N$ (Okay, so it doesn’t work as well, but I'm still going for it)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

*Cough-cough, Achoo!*

I used to think that I didn’t have an immune system, because I got sick so much. Where my immune system is supposed to be (I picture it sort of where my lungs are), there is just a big yellow sponge that soaks up any germs within a 20-mile radius. This might be where my fondness for Spongebob Squarepants started…although I think that more stems from how I can’t help but smile at how freakin’ HAPPY he is! Say what you want, that sponge loves life.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, I’m sick today. Again. There is a causal reaction to my state of health. If I look at someone who is sick or hear a sneeze, I’m officially sick.

The ironic thing is when I found out I have Crohn’s, they told me that my immune system is actually too strong. My immune system thinks there is bad stuff in my immune system (which there really isn’t0 so it builds up these antibodies or something (And yes-“things” and “stuff” are the technical terms for this), and attacks my own immune system (I picture little sponges fighting with those plastic swords made for drinks).

So I was on a lot of different meds when I was first diagnosed to get the inflammation under control and to disarm the mini-sponges, but now that I am in a “remission”, I am on some long-term medication to hopefully limit the amount of “flare-ups” I have and decrease my risk for surgery. I’m currently on Azathioprine (It sounds more exciting than it is). Since Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis are auto-immune diseases, this drug is supposed to sort of kill off the extra cells my body has because it thinks it’s fighting something that doesn’t really exist.

If I lost you there…don’t worry about, I lost myself too, just go with it. So unfortunately one of the side-effects of this drug is that it actually lowers your immune system so you are more susceptible to being sick. Oh irony I hear you calling my name!!!

Obviously this alone isn’t going to get me sick and I should be doing everything within my control to otherwise be healthy, right? Exercise (check!), Eat healthy (Ch…errrrr, sometimes?), Don’t drink alcohol (No comment), Take vitamins….

Seriously, whoever invented gummy vitamins is a genius and I would love to give him/her a big gummy hug. I am great at taking gummy vitamins and get about 3000% of my daily vitamin C and D requirements. I do also attempt to take an “adult” vitamin, a Women’s Once-a-Day. And by attempt, I mean I bought a bottle. I have every intention of taking it daily to stay healthy and prevent getting sick…but man is it gross. It is approximately the size of a small dinner plate and tastes like a combination of chalk, spit, and baby dinosaur eggs, or so I imagine.

It also has the ability to make me sick. I think you’re not supposed to take them on an empty stomach?? I don’t know. That seems to make me sick more often, but here is what I imagine the big sponge thinking: “la la la, I’m a big sponge, I’m having fun doing nothing, minding my own business, oh…what’s this? It looks like a giant piece of chalk coming towards me! It looks pretty bad, but maybe I could use it as a small dinner plate. Well, maybe it tastes better than it looks. Nom, nom, nom…oh, wtf!? This is disgusting! Ugh…get away from me!”

This is where I throw up.

Then I wonder if any of the vitamins got absorbed during that time…. So maybe I’m at like 2% at my limit for the day instead of 100%. Good job Sponge!

I also think it’s funny (and by funny I mean desperate and irrational) how I desperately take a vitamin or AirBorneä either when something is really important or I’m already sick. Yeah, that vitamin really made a difference now. I decided I wanted to be REALLY healthy the morning of my marathon, so I scarfed down half a banana and took a vitamin at 6:15am. Oh yeah, I puked that up approximately 3 minutes later and then felt like barf all day. Looking back, I guess it was sort of a backfire.

I had the same misguided and inconsistent approach during my school years. In law school, there is generally only one exam at the end of the semester and that is your entire grade for the semester. Finals were coming and I was freaking out (which is putting it mildly-I completely lost my mind and started writing haikus about anything and everyone I knew until 4am one night instead of studying). Well my helpful mom told me that blueberries make me smarter. I don’t really like blueberries, but I went to the supermarket and bought a big container. I ate those things up! I don’t think it really made a difference, but at least I didn’t puke them up. I maybe did write some smarter haikus.

Beep-Beep; Hot Pan!

It is official. I can’t be around hot things. I tried to iron the other day and burned my hand. Not severely, but enough. Apparently there are adult things, such as being around items that are potentially hot, that are not in my repertoire. Although this leads to me what I already knew was true… I should not be ironing or really doing any type of domestic activity. It’s just not natural for me. Therefore, this is not an excuse for being a poor cook and having an extremely messy apartment (I’m talking like teenage girl messy), but more of just a natural defect, that can’t be helped.

Oh, I feel so much better getting that off my chest. So, who’s ironing for me?

Friday, October 8, 2010

26.2 & Fundraising Event!

Update...I finished my FIRST marathon last Sunday, October 3.  I've been trying to write a post...but I've realized it's just going to be a lot bitching.

Having said that, I'm probably going to do it anyway.

Something much more f-u-n for the announcement of my first fundraising event.  Come to AJ Bombers, on Water Street, on Friday, November 5 from 5-pm where I will be Guest Bartending!!  All TIPS go to benefit the CCFA, so bring some cash and tip generously!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Oh What to Wear

Apparently hippos aren’t supposed to run. I have been on a frenzied quest for running clothes that are comfortable and fit. And it turns out, the clothing manufacturers are passive-aggressively trying to tell me not to run. I guess my body is so disfigured and malformed, that there is nothing that can be done short of running in a big garbage bag. I guess I should have been more specific. I would like clothes that are comfortable, breathable, and make me go really really fast.

Some surprising facts I learned while shopping last night for clothes to wear for my marathon, which is in FOUR days (let’s leave the you shouldn’t buy new clothes the day before your marathon lecture for another time).
  • I wear a small in soccer shorts and a medium in running shorts….hmmmm (soccer legs?)
  • Clothes that look awesome and like they would fit on a rack probably would look awesome and fit…on a small child
  • Runners are not supposed to have a chest
  • I am somewhere between small, medium, and whale-like
  • Why do they make everything fit so darn tight?? Are runners somehow miraculously in shape when they buy running clothes?  I thought the point was to buy running clothes to GET in shape. Okay, that wasn’t a fact more of a question
  • I’m not entirely sure why runner shorts have to be so short that they just show off my tan line from my normal sized shorts. Hey, in case you already weren’t looking at my thighs….let’s draw more attention to them because they are WHITE
  • This one might come as a surprise….shopping for running clothes is not a pleasant experience for me
In case you were wondering the outcome of these shopping trips. I now have a pair of shorts that I’m pretty sure are too small, and no shirt. So all in all, a success!

Update: It’s now 2 days before the marathon and I’m at the same level of progress. Maybe if I wear really long socks, no one will notice I’m not wearing a shirt.