Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Why Crohn’s Disease and my cooking abilities don’t mix

By: Chef Nadia

To be fair, my cooking abilities and anything except possibly food poisoning don’t mix well. I am a very bad cook. Not just kind of bad, but really bad. The kind of bad where there is no room for improvement because there is no potential.

But my brain and short-term memory don’t seem to comprehend this. And after every failed episode when I tell myself “Well, I won’t make that mistake again.” Cut to many weeks later. I’m watching an episode of Top Chef, I somehow forget this and think “I bet I can cook like that too!” And I think it doesn’t really look that hard. Which to be honest, is really tv’s fault. Why would they edit the show to make it look so easy and quick? Doesn’t seem like I’m to blame at all. Stupid tv liars.

So after watching the Top Chef Finale (yes, a little late but why I love my DVR), I thought I would make my specialty. Now I’m sure you’ve heard from many sources that I make a mean macaroni and cheese straight from the Kraft box. And while that is correct, sometimes I make something with more than two ingredients. Ooooh. What could this fantastic (and ethnic) cuisine be? That’s right…tacos!!!

Well, now that you have been sufficiently impressed, let’s get down to the details. I defrosted some ground turkey, found a bag of taco seasoning (with 30% less sodium), and browned the meat! I did better than the last time because I normally forget that with turkey meat, it’s too dry to create its own grease, so you have to spray the bottom of the pan. But I didn’t forget! So I didn’t burn the meat and pan immediately! Powered by my newly-developed cooking confidence of not completely messing up in the first 30 seconds, I decided to skip the step of seeing if I had the other ingredients.

I ended up just making taco meat.

No shells, no taco sauce, no extra condiments or sides. I sometimes have a hard time with complicated tasks like going to the grocery store. But still, it was still pretty good. I cut some cheese (that was probably still good) and smothered my fantastically made taco meat with lettuce (my favorite). After a couple plates of taco meat, I felt like the Top Chef of my apartment. I basically strutted around saying “Nadia, you ARE Top Chef!” Big pat on the back.

Also, this was at about 11pm after I had gotten back from my run and showered (see previous post about my inability to get in my run at a normal hour). After another hour or so of reading and calming down (and reflecting on my new found skill set), I laid down in bed feeling pretty darn content. One minute later I realized my Crohn’s did not like my taco meat.

I spent the next 35 minutes hating my life in my favorite my place in the world-the bathroom. I hate you taco meat! I hate you 30% less sodium seasoning—maybe that 30% sodium would have saved me! I hate you bad cheese that looked ok! I hate you Top Chef for inspiring me to be stupid enough to think I could cook! I hate you Crohn’s disease for making me hate everything!

It went on like that for awhile….until my stomach calmed down enough to know to keep quiet.

Needless to say, I felt like I should final put something in writing about what exactly makes it a bad crohn’s day. Now you know- I bet you wish you didn’t.

Update: I really have no excuse for why I ate the leftover taco meat the next day except for maybe my laziness and thinking that this time, the exact same situation would yield a different result….

No comments:

Post a Comment