Tough Mudder

Tomorrow might just be the day I die.

I'm not flying anywhere (I wish), but I might die a voluntarily/ I paid-for-it torturous death. Tomorrow, at Devil's Head Resort, Wisconsin, I will be participating in the Wisconsin Tough Mudder.

What is Tough Mudder? It was a stupid malicious idea spurred from the mind of some British special forces. It's around a 10 mile (but they don't tell you the exact length) obstacle course. With the word "mud" in the title, I pictured a fun mud run where you have to crawl through a few mud pits, climb over a couple of logs and call yourself hard core. Nope, these f*ckers are serious. This involves really steep climbs, crawling through small pipes and sand, running through fire and even electricity!

10 miles, 28 military obstacles. Twenty-freakin' eight. Really? Why stop there? Make it an even 30. Maybe the last two are when my lungs both burst.

If you live in the Midwest, you may have noticed this thing they call a "heatwave" that has been bringing me, and my non-air conditioned apartment to enjoy what I like to call "the worst f*cking week of my life." When people say, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, they're right. The humidity is much worse, however, in this case it's the heat and the damn humidity!

Now you want me to run an impossible death run tomorrow? No thanks. They were nice enough to send us an email this past week letting us know that there is a heat advisory so we should "be well hydrated". Guess what TM-there's only so many liquids I can drink that are going to help me get over a series of 12 foot high Berlin walls. A series? Overrated-I want a "sery", or none at all for that matter. I'm 5'4, how am I going to physically get myself over a 12 foot wall?
 

My training didn't go quite as planned. I haven't lost 30 pounds, gained 10 pounds of upper body muscle, nor earned the right to complete the Tough Mudder without a baggy t-shirt on. Instead, my plan was to hide the "extra love" in a sweatshirt and snowpants. While I do think this will confuse people as to my actual weight, I am slightly concerned with the effect on my performance. Although the effect will probably be minimal because there's no getting around the fact that no matter what I'm wearing, the result will be: "Oh my god, this is so horrible, I want to die..." On a more positive note, I have decided to do this while wearing my Team Challenge singlet! Since I've pretty much lived in that thing lately, I figured I may as well go out the same way.

Which brings me back to my original point, I might die. I have already started to think out and picture the numerous ways I could kick-the-bucket while doing this race. 1.) Heat exhaustion, 2.) falling off a freakin' 12 foot Berlin wall, 3.) drowning, 4.) Getting SHOCKED by 10,000 volts!! Oh yeah, that's going to happen.

Below is the course map of the run. I get tired just looking at the pictures. Okay, I couldn't download the most up-to-date obstacles, but a lot of these, including the route, are the same.

Listed in no particular order, here are the obstacles I am most afraid of and/or preparing to epically fail at:

1.) Death March-okay, I'm not really scared of this. I'm sure it will suck and I will be tired, but I damn well better make it up that ski mountain. I just had to include it because it's called Death March! Oh the college memories...

2.) Greased up monkey bars. I can't even do these when they're not all buttered up so I'll be for sure wiping it on this one.

3.) Crawling under 8 inches of barbed wire. My womanly curves ain't fitting in 8 inches, so we'll see what happens there. Can't wait...

4.) The 2 different series of Berlin Walls.

5.) Ball Shrinker. What the hell is that thing anyway? I think it made my balls shrink right off just thinking about it.

6.) The half pike. I can just picture me gaining momentum, sprinting towards the top of the half pike, only to slip or be too weak and fall rolling back in front of all the people watching.

7.) 10,000 volts. Now that can't be good for my uterus.

8.) The "mystery obstacle"-at what looks like around mile 8 or 9. "Expect Something Truly Bad Ass"-TM says. My only guess is that at this point they stab you in the stomach and you try to make it to the finish line before you bleed out.

Here's to life, and getting muddy!

Tough Mudder's version of Walk the Plank

My version of what walking the plank is (drawn to my scale).

 Update: I have now received another email and text message from TM. The good news is they once again stressed that I should hydrate as it will be very hot. Well, I was going to ignore the first email but now that you sent it again, I think I'll have a glass of water. Shoot, that glass of water didn't help me develop 5 months worth of upper-body strength training.

The other point of topic is that there is a "high chance of lighting". Awesome. I wanted to bring my plastic sword from when we were pirates in the Ragnar Relay to fight off the lighting, but people are telling me that's a bad idea.
So instead I will add it to the list: 9.) Get hit by lighting.

Bring it Tough Mudder.